Usually, I like to talk about the many "Why" questions I get because of my choice, but, alas, we have another type of question rearing its ugly head these days: the dreaded "What If" question.
Yesterday was a brilliant example of wanting to turn out the light, crawl under my covers, and hide. It all started with a Cowboys loss...okay, not really, I'm just being melodramatic (although I did suffer severe emotional distress due to that game...sort of...eh, I was just p'od).
The highlight of the day, however, had to be the question posed by my best friend: "What if you never find love? What will you do then?"
I felt like a dagger had gone straight through my heart...like I had just swallowed a glass of poisoned mead a la Harry Potter...like the Cowboys inexplicably decided not to take a knee before the half, coughed up the ball, and gave the Redskins their only touchdown of the game (the winning TD as it turns out)--wait, that actually happened.
Anyway...
I really didn't know how to answer. I was fumbling all over my words. It's not as if the thought hadn't crossed my mind; I just tend to shove it straight out of my conscious thinking.
BUT...
What if I DON'T find love? Do I faux fall for faux love? Do I just give it up and get it over with? Do I stay a virgin *gulp* forever? Do I settle for almost love?
I could feel the hives wanting to sprout all over my body; the chunks began rising dangerously in my throat. Then, like an angel somewhere heard my wordless panic, a song played on the radio--a song I haven't heard in so long...a song I always associated with my papaw: Have I Told You Lately by Rod Stewart. Whenever I hear that song, I know he is with me; I know he is telling me it will be okay. I instantly calmed down. Those pesky hives never popped out and my mind peacefully landed on one very comforting thought:
**For a reason beyond knowledge, I have to believe there is a purpose to me making this choice...a purpose I cannot possibly know or see. I believe in fate (although I don't always think kindly of her--and I'm sure fate is a her...she's far too, ahem, cranky-cruel sometimes) and I believe in God. I believe they are watching over me and maybe even guiding me to him, whoever he may be.**
I reckon I'm not ready to give up on love finding me. Yet. Should I never find love, I will handle it calmly and rationally...and it will not involve a bottle of Jack or a razor. (don't be alarmed, I'm just thinking of the movie The Wedding Date; Debra Messing's character says something along those lines prior to her sister's wedding...it's a funny statement, but definitely highlights the mood).
What if I don't find love? Well, I'm just not ready to face that possibility...not yet. Nope. Not gonna think about it. Here we go...time to puuuuuush that right outta my mind...again. *Sigh*
Impossible! You will. Do you know how I know? Because I will. And if I will..you will. And if you do..then I will. In the first paragraph in the new book I just received called "The Power"..there is a line in there..."You are meant to experience love with another"...so..You will.
ReplyDeleteListen to Rita, darlin... look I told Rita up above something and I will tell you too... after my fair share of moronic men, i decided to completely leave it up to the fates, i wrote a list of all that i wanted in a man and then I read it out loud and ripped it up and threw up into the air (I think you probably read that in one of my post), but it worked sunshine.. someone listened, the thing that i made clear when I read this list out loud, was that i was ready, i was really ready in my heart... open up that door to your heart, shout at the top of your lungs you are ready, and love will come.. it will..... xxoo
ReplyDeleteTracy
Okay, you may not. It's that simple. But wouldn't you rather wake up every morning with the hope that you may? There are millions of people waking up with someone beside them and they have not found Love. Maybe they did once, but it's gone now. Yet they still wake up, everyday with no prospects for finding love, simply becasue they're not looking anymore. They've settled in to what they have. I would like to think that it's better to be available for Love to find you, than to be hiding from it. Just a thought. -J
ReplyDeleteOh Frisky! I don't even know what to say since I have felt that way so many times. But I have to believe (for myself and for you) that things happen for a reason, the choices we make, the paths we travel all lead up to something, all take us to the place we are meant to be!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSuppose you had settled five years ago with someone who didn't make you happy. At least in still looking, you have the hope of Mr. Perfect, not the regret of Mr. Awful. Who's to say that your Mr. Right isn't still out there, and you haven't found him YET simply because he isn't quite the man you are supposed to meet? Maybe he just has a few more life lessons to learn before the two of you end up together... you never know.
ReplyDelete