Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Valentine's Reboot, Part Two

And today's Vomit Day.  Yay.  Can you feel the enthusiasm?  Anyway, here's part two of my Valentine's date from hell. 


Driveway Roadkill, Part Two

Aside from the occasional raspberry when I would forget to lift before moving, dinner went quite smoothly. No food drops, food flings, or gags...that is until Mr. Leaver made me try to eat something, knowing I thought they looked like little bits of mushy cow's brain.

Mr. Leaver: "Just try one for me."

Me: "Oh, all right, but I won't like it."

Mr. Leaver: "You'll like this one."

So, I tried it. Didn't like it. Mr. Leaver started grinning at me while I tried to choke the thing down. I made a very tiny ewy-ick face at him, just to make him laugh.

It's quite unfortunate that at that precise moment, the chef came out and wanted to know how everyone enjoyed their meals.

To make matters worse, my date's family was pretty well-known in the community, so the chef, proud of his work, looked to us first.


Poor thing--he seemed so anxious to know if we found his cooking satisfactory. Beaming, he looked to me first. Can you guess what he saw?

You guessed it: The leather-pants-wearing-faux-flatulence-problem girl, wearing the ewy-ick expression on her face.

His face went pale; I really thought he might vomit, which would have been very bad, since the little mushy brain-like thing in my mouth pushed me to the ragged edge of vomitville.

I swallowed the last bit as quickly as I could, coughed a little, made a small gagging sound, nervously (sadly) moved in my chair, and tried to assure him that his meal was delicious.

Not thinking he bought it. Not sure if it was the expression, cough, gag, or faux fart that didn't convince him.

Sigh. I do hope he understood after everything.

After dinner: Once in the car, I could tell something was off about Mr. Leaver. Was it the pants? The ewy-ick face? Ugh, the faux-flatulence?

I should point out that Mr. Leaver did NOT bring me any flowers or candy or a cuddly for Valentine's Day. His reason? Because he wanted to take it slow (fine by me!) and he didn't want to "scare" me off. **He knew about Wasn't**  

NOTE: He had not even tried to KISS me yet, much to my surprise.

As the radio played one of my favorite songs, Mr. Leaver fumbled about for a CD. He cut off the radio, put in the CD, and immediately started playing a specific song, saying, "I want you to hear this one."


He picked a song that had a very clear message...and it didn't include sleep. Now, the song wasn't Bump N' Grind or Freak Me (those were really good songs, weren't they? Sorry, momentary mind melt), but I got the message.

I can't remember the song specifically--probably because my leather pants and I were busy visiting sweatville all over again--but I do recall some of it was very, very sweet and complementary...still, I got the jist of what it was saying.

He wants to take it slow. He hasn't held my hand.  He hasn't kissed me.  Yet, he wants to go have sex?? 


I didn't say anything, apart from commenting on what a pretty song it was; he didn't say anything. It was THE most awkward drive home. He never followed up with anything.

I kind-of think he wanted me to initiate something...suggest we go back to his place, perhaps. I didn't know what to do...usually the guy actually makes a move or suggests going back to his place...SOMETHING. This was new to me.

So, play a song, and I'm expected to recommend the sex??? Total confusion.

Next thing I know, Mr. Leaver says: "I'm just going to take you back home tonight.  I have an early day tomorrow. Hope you don't mind." His tone was a bit cold, at least to me.

It was pretty early for a date to end. My initial translation on his words: "You didn't pick up on my song and suggest going back to my place, so I'm gonna pout now." I could have been wrong, but that's how it came off.

After the longest drive ever--where I tried to make conversation and he just seemed distant--we finally pulled into my very icy driveway.

We paused for a moment. I felt bad. I didn't want the date to end all awkward and full of misunderstanding. So, I tried to imply that we could take things to the next level (i.e. kissing...since I was a little confused as to why that hadn't happened yet).

Whatever.  It didn't take.

Hmm. Why isn't he moving from that nice warm seat to walk me to my door? Maybe say goodnight with a Valentine's kiss??  Ah, I get it, he's not gonna do either. 

He literally dropped me in the middle of my driveway and drove off without making sure I made it safely to my door.

Nope. I was left in the dark, in the middle of my icy driveway, in leather pants, and brand new heels.

Maybe I misread everything, but I still think, no matter what, you see your date makes it to her door safely... especially a Valentine's date. I'm a southern girl, remember.

I scraped and slid my way to the door, looking like something between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a turtle. During my long hobbit-like walk to the door, several thoughts ticked across my mind:

What happened to "taking it slow?"

Ya haven't kissed me, but you want to have sex? Huh?

Play a song = girl suggesting sex? Really?  

Am I totally wrong, here?
Once I made it safely inside--shocked I didn't fall on my arse--I closed the door on Valentine's Day forever...and wearing leather pants on a formal date.

After about three days of nothing, he called and started calling me "honey" and "dear" and I think even "darling." It was strange and, yet, totally par for the course.

So, there you have it, my top three worst Vomit Days. I think the only reason I don't have more is because of my tendency to hide this time of year. If history is any indication, it's a dang good thing I do.

To all of you who love V-Day: Happy Valentine's Day to you. {{{HUGS}}}

To all of you who don't: Happy February 15th...a.k.a. The Chocolate Sale Day! {{{HUGS}}}


  1. I know that you don't care for V-day but you also know my stance. I can't deny that you have had some horrendous dates. I try so hard not to laugh at them since I've had some myself...but man you've had some real "winners"! HUGS my dear...even if you don't enjoy the day there is a lot of love coming your way from me today. :)

    1. Aw, you can laugh, it's okay. I've learned to laugh at them (even though I still feel that surge of humiliation).

      Thank you--much love and hugs right back to you. *Hugs*

      I'm glad it's the 15th! One of the top five days of the year. lol

  2. Oh God, what a jerk. What a horrible, rude, obnoxious jerk! How dare he imply that he wants to have sex when he hasn't even kissed you, AFTER he said he wanted to take it slow. How rude.

    It's alright though, Valentine's Day is overrated and a terrible night to go out on dates. :)

    1. I couldn't believe it, honestly. He completely went against his own words. It's like he wanted all or nothing.

      Yes, it is. Awful date night. AWFUL. lol Happy 15h!

  3. And guys say that women are hard to understand. *rolls eyes*

    1. Oh, no kidding! I truly believe men just don't realize how complicated they are sometimes. *double the eye roll*

  4. I was already grimacing before I started reading. Sex on date three but no kissing (taking it slow) is sending huge mixed messages, and to me at least tells you what he wants. He seemed very rude about the whole thing.

    And yes, you always make sure she gets to the door (if you don't walk her there yourself).

    1. I'm glad to have the male point of view, and that you agree he was sending mixed signals of the grandest kind. It was a mind-boggling evening, yet very much in keeping with Vomit Day.

      Good. I'm glad to know manners haven't flown out the window completely.

  5. What a barfy date with a barfy man, honey. Listen, dear, you're better off without him. And darling, you know I hate V-Day. Enjoy your chocolate tomorrow.


    1. Barfy is the perfect description.

      You're right about being better off without him. I would rather be alone on V-Day than have another date as humiliating as that one.

  6. Oh man, at least you managed to pick up on that stuff. I would have eaten the gross brain thing (but I actually do eat brain, that's a delicacy here.. that's another story) and not have picked up on the song hint. I'd have ended up with trying to stop him from ravishing me at my front door and wondering wtf happened.

    1. LOL--I guess it was better that I picked up on his hints. At least that way I saw a side of him I hadn't seen before. It was all very telling.

  7. I'm dying to know what song it was. Maybe it holds a clue.

    1. I wish I could remember what it was. It was just such an uncomfortable time that my brain was everywhere and nowhere at once. Wonder if my subconscious would remember if I heard it again. :/ I like to think it would.

  8. Did he ever explain why he was so cold and distant with you? Was it simply because you didn't pick up his message in the song? That's so bizarre and crazy!

    1. Nope, not once. He pouted for several days before calling and acting like everything was perfect. It was weird.

      I really, really think it was because I didn't pick up on his message in the song. It really was bizarre. :/

  9. You do have some great date stories!!

    1. :) The definition of "great" varies widely, I'm afraid. lol

  10. Oh man! Another guy with bad manners and no girl skills.
    Maybe you and your dad should start up an etiquette school for dating!

  11. Ugh. I felt awkward just reading that. My worst vdate...went similarily minus the leather pants. However, we did have an end of the night kiss...we made out a little in fact...for maybe 3 or 4 minutes (it wasn't bad..no drooling or slurping). And then he looked at me and said "I just thought that it would be better". Then he walked away leaving me to walk back to my car in an empty parking lot. I never knew what could have been better...the date? the kiss? Ack! He emailed me 5 months later like I was a casual buddy and called me pal.

    1. OMG! That's horrible! I can't believe he said that to you! And, yeah, I wouldn't know what he meant either. What a jerk and a half!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Wandered over here from Eva's. May I just say, "Been there, done that. Glad I never have to do it again." Of course, I've got a few, uh well, several years on you. I gave up the dating scene years ago. It was either that or become a serial killer. I'm sure there are some nice guys out there, but I was clearly on the "Troll Tour." I enjoy your writing. Good luck in Eva's drawing for my book.

    1. injaynesworld: I'm so glad you stopped by!

      LOL--Yeah, nice guys seem to be hiding under rocks these days. I'm really dreading getting back into the dating scene. :/

      Thank you so much for liking my writing--that means a great deal to me. :) You're an outstanding writer. :)

  13. Ouch! I have not yet experienced anything quite that disappointing on Valentine's Day. What a jerk-off. And a baby. Guys just do not get subtly and class sometimes.

  14. eek it's only a few days away now again.
    So at 7 months into a (good) new relationship, I decided to go with anti-valentines. It's a whole big darn Hallmark rip off as far as Im concerned so I gave a gift LAST Thursday, and it was a gift wrapped box of gourmet garlic.
    My sweetie was delighted, agreed with the sentiment (garlic will keep the vamp-entine away) and unlike me, loves garlic.