Monday, February 13, 2012

A Valentine's Reboot, Part One

Since tomorrow is the dreaded day, I figured I'd re-post a couple of my classic V-Day failures (and I do mean failures). 

One day, I hope to have at least ONE good V-Day.  Heck, I'd take one relatively decent 14th O'Feb.  I've always thought that one good V-Day would forever change my thoughts on this drab time of year. 

But, for the time being, I hope these failures will give you some insight into my sheer disdain for Vomit Day.  


Driveway Roadkill, Part One:

Who: We'll call him Mr. Leaver.

Date: 3rd. a.k.a. the expected sex date...on my very first official V-Day date. Fabulous timing.

Mood: Excited, hopeful, happy.

Outfit: Oooh, a good one--leather pants, brand new pink top, brand new, tastefully sexy boots with a decent size heel on them. 

Restaurant: Quaint, converted house.  Picture a mid-size bar adjacent a surprisingly small dining area--very intimate. The overwhelmingly quiet atmosphere around the bar and dining area made me nervous.

Me + new heels + small area + insane quiet = possible catastrophe.

Mr. Leaver: "Let's sit at the bar while they're getting our table ready."

The bar stools were unusually tall...dangerously so, actually. With my nice new heels, I lifted and balanced myself gracefully onto the stool. Phew.

Mr. Leaver and I talked for a few moments before he left to go talk to someone (I think he wanted to greet someone his family knew...that whole bit is a blur).

While my date did whatever, the front of house informed me that our table was ready.

*Keep in mind, the following happened very quickly, but it felt like slow motion*

As I tried to slide off the stool, I discovered something the mean science teachers failed to tell us in school:

leather pants + wooden seat = inability to slide, slight stuck feeling, and manufactured farting sounds when attempting to move.

Now, I don't know if there were some unknown variables, like whatever they used to clean the wood, the type of wood, or the type of leather pants I had on, but my rear end was essentially STUCK. 

Oh. Holy. God. 

The height of the stools were such that I couldn't put my foot down and hop off without the possibility of my leathery bottom bringing the stool crashing to the ground. And, as we have already learned, I cannot simply slide off without sounding like I had a flatulence problem.

Growing very hot, I began to sweat--not a good mix with leather.

I had to get off this stupid stool.  I slowly lifted my rear, one bum cheek at a time, and tried to ease myself forward until my feet could touch the floor. In doing so, these very strange *FLAWP* *FLAWP* peeling sounds rang out from my derriere.

The people at the tables closest to the bar kept a measuring eye on me; I couldn't tell if they were amused or if they were waiting to see if I would fall off the stool.

By this time, my feet were halfway to the floor, my body was slightly tilted on the stool, and I was in deep danger of the whole stool tipping over should I move one more inch.

I dared to try one more little slide. The only thing I accomplished was the sound of gas.

Grab Guy (sitting behind me at the bar): "You okay, there?"

Me: "I can't get off the stool."

Grab Guy: "Why?"

Me: "My leather pants--they're sticking to the wood. I need you to lift me off the stool."

Grab Guy: "Um, how?"

Me, sighing: "I need you to stick your hands under my bottom and just...peel me up."

Grab Guy, laughing: "I would, but I have a girlfriend."

Me: "I'm not asking you to grope me...just kindly help me off this thing, otherwise my pants will continue to make obscene sounds and eventually succeed in knocking over the stool. Please, I need your help...I can't reach the floor. Now, stick your hands under there and peel!"

Grab Guy, quite literally laughing his rear end off, aided in my dilemma, and I was able to hop off the stool with his, um, forklift-type-help. I did stumble a bit and, in doing so, my heels made an appallingly loud clip-clopping sound as people turned to look at the crazed leather-pants-wearing girl.

I thanked Grab Guy, and rejoined Mr. Leaver--the clip-clopping prompted him to leave his acquaintances and attend to his frazzled date. After assuring Mr. Leaver that all was well, we followed the waiter to our table...

...which had wooden seats.

It was only the beginning.

27 comments:

  1. Oh. leather pants. I think of Ross on Friends, and his awful experience with baby powder and laugh hysterically!

    Have a great 14th--you have permission to eat lots of chocolate.

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    1. I was my own version of Ross that night, minus the baby powder. It was mortifying. I don't think I've worn leather pants since, actually, at least not on a date.

      Thank you--I intend to chocolate me happy, maybe with a side of teddy bear.

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  2. Ouch. And I second ms. caboo. Chocolate fixes everything! Here's to a good tomorrow for you Frisky, however it turns out :D

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    1. Basically, I just hunker down on the 14th and wait for the 15th (that's when the chocolate sales and I get very friendly). :)

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  3. I laughed so hard the last time I read this, and I did again. I can totally imagine how mortified you were! lol

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    1. :) You might know, my first real V-Day date, and this happens. Frankly, I should have known. Hell, I should have put money on it.

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    2. Something is always bound to go wrong, simply because we try to look extra gorgeous on Valentine's Day. Sending you a Valentine's Day hug. :o)

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    3. See if I ever try leather pants on a date again. lol Sending you a V-Day hug, too. *Hugs* :)

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  4. Oh those darn leather pants. I feel like I can somewhat relate, though I don't have a pair of leather pants lol. I'm a very clumsy heel-walker, and occasionally it's led to similar embarrassments. Glad you got out of the seat haha! :P

    Can't wait for the next part!

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    1. Heels can be just as dangerous, particularly at night, I find. lol

      :)

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  5. I remember reading this when you posted it before! so funny. (At least I hope now you can look back at it and laugh!) Have lots of chocolate, and look on the bright side: You don't have to SHARE that chocolate with anyone!!!

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    1. Oh, I can completely laugh at it now (although I still feel that wave of humiliation).

      LOL--True! Mine, all mine! :)

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  6. Loved reading these stories again! Wishing you a very happy SINGLE AWARENESS DAY!!! :)

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    1. :) All singles around the globe, unite...with lots of chocolate!!!

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  7. Oh, I'm so sorry. How uncomfortable. At my age, I don't think I'd care if people were staring. I'd be afraid of falling and getting hurt. Mr. Leaver should have stayed by the side of his date to care for her. It's the gentlemanly thing to do.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. It was a classically humiliating date. :( My mom said the same about him staying beside me, particularly on a Valentine's date. It didn't bother me at the time, but it might have been a lot easier to get down from that darn stool had he been there to help. lol

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  8. A gentleman would have put lube on that seat before you sat on it, Miss Virgin. You could have slid off without making fart noises like a perfect lady.

    Happy February 14th, BTW. You should cherish this day like any other, because it doesn't belong to doting couples or anyone else.

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    1. lol--well, I reckon that would have been one way to help the situation. lol

      You're right, and I promise to try. :) Happy February 14th to you, as well. :)

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  9. Hahaha! This is the first time I've read this and it was hilarious! I would have been mortified! God love ya Frisky :)

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    1. :) Thank you. It was mortifying. I seem to find the exact wrong time to be completely idiotic. lol

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  10. Aha NO that is terrible! Although I guess it's a good ice breaker?
    When is Part II coming up?

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  11. Replies
    1. I thought it would be sexy...was so very wrong about that. :/

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  12. This is why even in a committed relationship, I refuse to leave the house on Valentine's Day. Bad things always happen on Valentine's dates, as the expectations are too high. SO I STAY IN.

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    1. Actually, that is REALLY good advice. And you're right, the expectations are ridiculously high on V-Day. I'm thinking you're right--staying in is the best way to deal with February 14th. lol

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  13. Oh my, I can't even imagine how this ends.

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