Monday, January 31, 2011

Crush, Crushed, Crushing

I've always wondered what it would be like to run into a former crush. Apparently, fate doesn't realize that "wonder" doesn't equal "want."

Background Rundown: My crush asked me out; I stupidly said yes like a foolish crush-blind girl with foggy-brain syndrome. During the course of the date--pretty early on, actually--he started asking me when we were going to have sex, whether I would do things to him right there and then, etc.

A little shocked by his bluntness, I soon realized I was on a date with Sex-Only Guy. SOG didn't give a hoot about the person; he just wanted to "bang." He didn't know about my V-card, but he quickly figured out that I'm not a wham-bam kind-of girl, much to his dismay.

According to him, he thought I was "a naughty girl in good girl clothes."

At the time, he said he would take me out again IF I'd "eff" him. I told him that's not going to happen; he said it was a shame and he's going to have to "regrettably" let me go.

And that's how a crush crushes. (Not that I want a guy like's just a little disappointing when your crush turns out to be nothing like you expected or hoped).

Fast forward: The random run-in turned into, well, more of the same. After showcasing his ability to masterfully craft urban dictionary lingo into a compliment on my appearance, he asked if I was still "...the good girl or would I be willing to go around the corner."

Nothing changes.

I thereafter confirmed my good-girl status, to which he shook his head and groaned, "Shame."

Me: "You said that before, as I recall."

SOG: "Why not go wild? If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure I'd want you more than once."

Me: "Well that doesn't in any way make me feel like a can of beer or anything."

SOG, laughing: "Some women are like beer--you can't stop at one. It's a compliment."

Me: "And when you hit the end of the six pack, it's onto the next." He laughingly agreed and liked my sauciness. "Yeah, I'm not into to being a beer can."

SOG: "All right, all right, I'm not getting anywhere. It is too bad, though. You should probably give some thought to how things work...there's a reason you are still single."

Me, working to control my temper: "Really? Enlighten me."

SOG: "Men want Pamela, not Audrey."

I knew instantly what he meant--he talked quite a bit using movie/celebrity references. Men want the blonde-bombshell-sex-symbol-type like Pamela Anderson, not Audrey Hepburn.

SOG: "You're the Audrey."

Me: "That much I got, oddly enough." After a brief pause, I had a thought.  "But, here's the thing some men don't understand--the Audrey's can be every bit the Pamela...they just save their Pammy moves for the Harrison Ford's or the Sean Connery's, rather than waste them on the Charlie Sheen's."

I was quite proud of that little comeback, especially considering Charlie Sheen is one of his idols. [Note: Recent Charlie Sheen news had him partying for two days, where one of his special guests was a blonde porn star--undoubtedly the ideal scenario for SOG].

So, men want Pamela's, not Audrey's, according to Charlie, er, SOG. What do you think? Should this be a crushing revelation to the Audrey's of the world, or just a crappy concept formed in the mind of an egotistical prick? Personally, I prefer the latter.

Maybe we Audrey's should modify our image by re-naming ourselves Undercover Pamela's or Saucy Audrey's. Hmm. Maybe not.


  1. Gee, apparently having Pam doesn't mean they still won't cheat on you--she is divorced, if I remember correctly. Tommy Lee wasn't exactly faithful. So being Pam isn't all that fab.

    That guy is a loser. Lordy lordy, girl, how do you find these men? Seriously! I had no idea there were so many jerks out there.

  2. Ugh, what a JERK!!!!

    I loved your comeback though, it made perfect sense and you used HIS language so HE would get it too! If he didn't then what a dumba**!!

    If I was a girl or if I was rowing the same boat as females, I personally would like an Audrey better than a Pamela Anderson. You don't know what you'd catch from a Pamela!!

  3. I love to hear about other peoples dating nightmares, it makes me feel better about my choice not to date.

  4. Oh sweetie. What special men you encounter! haha. Clearly this man does not have his head and heart connected...if he has a heart. Of course that kind of man thinks that way...but that isn't the kind of man you don't worry. There are men that want Pamela and then men out there searching the world over for their own personal Audrey.

    It's not always easy but you have to hold out in hopes of being somebody's Audrey...because being everyone's Pamela chips away at pieces of least it did to me. Head high sweetie.

  5. Oh deary, I don't understand how guys like this actually manage to reproduce.

    I'm one of the guys that would much rather an Audrey.

    Don't give up the search. Should go read my rant today. I may decide to take it down.

    I won't give up on love. You shouldn't.

  6. BRAVO! that's kind of like a scene out of a movie. you should be very proud.

    ha! and guess what's hanging on the wall right above me? yep. and audrey hepburn picture. go figure.

    I like to think the latter as well.

  7. Keep trying. I think you're smart to hold out!

  8. Being labeled an Audrey is soooo much better than being a Pamela!!! Better off being a wonderful, single Audrey than a used and abused Pamela!!
    p.s i followed over here from average girl's party and I must say, I love your blog! I think your decision to wait for sex is a wise one and it's very refreshing to read about somebody with different ideologies(but in a very good way!).

  9. Who needs an ass like that? Audreys are much better than Pamelas, and most men would rather settle down with an Audrey over a Pam too. I'm lucky in the sense that Mike doesn't mind my [ahem] Audreyness. Hang in there. Men can be dipshits.

  10. What a jerk! The world is full of those types though. Love the way you told him off in an "Audrey" way. Chin up girlie!

  11. I'm an Audrey and I'm saving up my Pammy moves ;-)

  12. Ick! Much better to pass on the Charlie and be very proud of your Audreyness. I do agree with you though, the feeling of realizing a crush is actually a loser is terrible. It's a really unique feeling, and I hate it.

    In my limited experience it seems like it takes the majority of guys a while to figure out why Pams are bad, and decide they actually want an Audrey. The problem with this is that it takes a LONG time for most men to grow up. IF they ever do.

  13. Nicely handled with just the right dose of snarkiness.

  14. What an idiot. I like how you "crushed" :) Good job!

  15. Keep being true to yourself. Guys like him only want Pamelas because they're not good enough for an Audrey. Very nicely handled.

  16. The guy isn’t going to get your comeback if he had to explain that you’re Audrey in his pathetic comparison.

    I’m one of those who liked Allison from the Breakfast Club movie and was royally pissed when she compromised and dolled herself up in makeup and a fancy dress.

  17. Pam also has Hepatitis...what all guys want, right? Gross!
    GREAT comeback!!!
    Also...I don't think that all guys want Pam. I had a few of my 'crushes' later on tell me that I was the 'one that got away' b/c they knew I was a 'good girl'-they always just looked instead of trying to touch and to this day still respect me for my values. It's a good feeling.
    If you haven't seen it I really recommend Come September-it's an old Rock Hudson/Sandra Dee has a couple of my FAVORITE "virgin" quotes-
    "When you go shopping in a market, you don't buy anything that's been handled too much"
    "Love is one product you don't sell by giving away free samples"

  18. WOW that guy is a jerk! He's not good enough for Audrey...actually not even good enough for Pammy LOL

  19. SOG. Love the acronyms/nicknames you give these "special" folks. He's a jerk. Actually he's a lot of curse words, but I'll spare you. lol

    I LOVE your comeback. I'm going to try to remember that one.

  20. ms. caboo: Good point. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they find me. Sigh.

    Furry Bottoms: That is an excellent point! lol And thank you. :)

    Oilfield Trash: Can't say I blame you. I keep thinking one of these days I'm going to actually go on a great date. Still waiting on that.

    Jewels: "It's not always easy but you have to hold out in hopes of being somebody's Audrey...because being everyone's Pamela chips away at pieces of you..." Absolutely brilliant, Jewels. This really resonated with me. *hugs*

    Not The Hero: Thank you. I'm glad to see some men want the Audrey. I'm not giving up, I promise!

    Lex: Thank you--I had to work hard not to let it show on my face just how elated I was with that comeback. lol

    Eva: Thank you. I hope he's out there somewhere. :)

    estefanny: Thank you so much! I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. It's not an easy road, but I'm staying true to who I am and hoping to find the real thing. I'm now following your blog as well. :)

    Stephanie: Love the word "Audreyness!" :)

    Yvonne: It's alarming how many men there are like SOG in this world. What's more alarming is how I seem to date all of them. :/

    runawaybride: LOL--Hurray for the Audrey's! There have to be some more Harrison Ford's in this world. :)

    Lori: It is an awful, albeit unique, feeling. You are right--it seems to take most men a loooooooong time to realize they actually want the marrying kind. It's sad.

    Underground Dude: Thank you! :)

    Starlight: I crushed my former crush's potentially crushing comments. ;) Thank you!

    Rebekah: Thanks. :) Well, I certainly hope an Audrey wouldn't give SOG the time of day. If she did, she would regret it. He's...a piece of work.

    Drake: You may be right. By the look on his face, I couldn't tell if he actually got it, if he was still computing, or if he was shocked that the Audrey-type could throw out an effective comeback.

    Suzanne: I LOVE old Doris Day-Rock Hudson movies!!! I'm actually not familiar with that one--yay, a new-old film to watch!!! I LOVE those quotes!!!!! Thank you!!!!! :)

    Bird & Baby: You know, I think you're right! lol

    J. Day: Oh, he's a ton of curse words...and I've probably thought of them all, including some rather interesting combos of swear words.

    Thank you--that comeback moment was like the quintessential light bulb going off overhead. lol

  21. He doesn't even begin to deserve you, Miss Virgin. It's pathetic how so many men don't even know the abc of how to woo a woman.

  22. Wth? How was being banged and dumped by a SOG supposed to help YOU get a relationship???

    You could have laughed and countered with "LOL, honey, baby, which of these beer can ladies did you have a 'relationship' with? And where is she now?"