Monday, January 3, 2011

A Most Illuminating New Year's Eve

Is there anything worse than being single on New Year's Eve? Yes. Being single and having a birthday on New Year's Eve. Anything worse than that? Yes. Being single on Valentine's Day. Can we top that one? Yep. Being single and celebrating a birthday on February 14th.  My deepest sympathies to any single forced to celebrate a b-day on Valentine's Day.

Now, what could possibly top the hideousness of a Singletonville-New Year's-or-Vomit Day-birthday? Being a single virgin on New Year's and having fate flip you the finger in the most illuminating fashion.

My New Year's Eve festivities are pretty predictable: hang around with family, watch some kind of innocuous movie/show marathon, eat cookies or ice cream, and wonder about the hidden symbolic meaning behind tons of people celebrating a giant ball sliding down a pole. Then, at about 3 a.m., I am forced to hear the 90-year-old neighbor come home from her date. Yes, her date. Every year she has a date. The sound of her heels clip-clopping along her porch is unnerving.

This year was no exception, but for one event occurring early in the evening.

About an hour after painting my nails, I heard my mom have some sort of meltdown in the kitchen.

Me: "Mom? Are you okay?"

Mom: "I've destroyed the refridgerator."

Me: "Um, is that possible? How?"

Mom: "I don't know."

Me: "Is it not working?"

Mom: "It's drizzling."

Me: "Mom, you are making zero sense right now. What do you mean it's drizzling?"

Mom, opening the fridge door: "Come here...listen."

It sounded like something was dripping within the fridge.

Me: "Maybe something fell over in the back."

Mom, moving things around: "Oh my God."

Me: "What? What do you see?"

Mom: "Red. All down the back of my beautiful fridge. OH! It's running down three shelves AND down behind the SALAD DRAWER! I have to get my special quiche finished for tomorrow! I can't clean this mess now! This is a nightmare."

Me, trying not to laugh: "It's New Year's Eve, honestly, what do you expect? I'll clean it up, don't worry."

Mom: "Oh, sweetheart, thank you."

I began unloading the fridge to find the nasty culprit.

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Mom: "What is it?"

Me, holding a jar: "Cherries."

Mom, reddening in the face, trying to suppress the laughter: "Oh, honey. Cherry juice? My, that's..."

Me: "Typical. The virgin cleaning cherry juice on New Year's Eve. Doesn't that just beat all."

After a few minutes of silence, my mom and I broke into hysterics. Hey, what can you do? Ya gotta laugh. The irony is just ridiculous. And to put the icing on the cake, I chipped my freshly painted nail while cleaning cherry freshly painted bird finger. I don't know what it is with me and screwing up my bird finger, but I'm convinced it's fate's way of flipping me off.

In fact, I'm quite certain the whole event was fate saying, "Up yours virgin! I've got a whole lot planned for you this New Year." Cruel witch.

Fast-forward to the ball dropping hoopla--my mom insists on watching it every year. I usually try to escape the festivities, but it never works. I loathe all the kissing shots. And, HELLO, what's with the constant kissing TEN MINUTES after midnight! Classy. Get a room!!!

Though I do not drink, rare nights like these call for reinforcements, so I turned to Al K. Hall to help me out: ONE glass of wine, no more. I have ZERO tolerance. Heck, a glass and a half and I'm probably going to be taking my clothes off in some ridiculous version of a striptease. Can only assume that two full glasses would render me unconscious with face in toilet.

After said glass, I realized something: every year Dick Clark looks sexier and sexier to me.

Yes, one glass is quite enough.


  1. LMAO! The cherry juice was hysterical! How on earth did you luck out and have a birthday on Valentine's day? That's just wrong on so many levels! I'm sorry!!! :)Personally, I think you should just boycott V-day and just focus on your birthday. It's all about YOU!!!

  2. I still can't quite get over the cherries. Of all things to spill and of all days for the jar to tip.

    Oh, no, my b-day isn't on Vomit Day--I was just thinking of the worst possible scenarios for singles...and then topping them with being a single virgin on NYE while fate flips the finger (i.e. cherries).

    Oh, heaven help me if I had been born on 2/14!! Gah! Can you imagine? Ick. I truly sympathize anyone who has to celebrate a b-day on Vomit Day--I hope they do just what you say: Make it a day all about them!

  3. I don't know what is funnier...the cherry juice or a sexy Dick Clark. I love the man...but not like that. hahaha.

    Sounds like an eventful night! Have I mentioned lately that I love your Mom!?

  4. With a New Year's Eve like that, you know 2011 has some stuff waiting in the wings for you!

  5. you know what, it doesn't get any better when you are with someone... I ended up stuffing kleenex up my nose and soaking in a bath while my better half watched a cheesy movie... and then we went to bed at 10:00 and I spent the better part of the night trying not to suffocate him from all his snoring! Believe me when I tell you that your night sounds sufficiently better than mine!

  6. The situation with cherry juice is the winning one. :) And I was just waiting when you'll ruin your manicure, it was obvious.
    But all in all, I think it could be worse.

  7. Perhaps the cherry mess is the Universe's way of letting you know that your pesky virginity problem will go away this year? That sounds bad, perhaps I should rephrase, as it's not Lyme Disease, or something. I mean, maybe Mr. Right (or Dick Clark?) will come along, and you'll have some wonderful, cinematic love story and elope in France. Because, you know, it was a Quiche your mom was making.

  8. I like Lori's outlook on this.

  9. Lori rocks! Anyway, being a virgin isn't really bad at all. I mean you're a virgin, who cares? At least you're beautiful. Ummm...I think I'm not making any sense at all.

    And just for the record, my New Year's Eve was spent playing Cityville on facebook. Not that I don't have a social life. How about that?!

  10. I'd take the cherry juice over what I got...a sinus infection, two kids with bronchitis, and a husband that had too much to drink...we were all in bed by 9 I think.

    Your attraction to Dick Clark makes me giggle!

  11. Yvonne: See my reply comment above. :)

    Jewels: I love Dick Clark, too, however, based on my recent observations regarding Mr. Clark, I clearly cannot exceed a single glass of wine.

    Tracey: Aww, I hope you are feeling better. :( Deep down, I know you are right. My mom always reminds me that the best NYE nights she had were the ones where she stayed in, alone. She and Dad tried the whole party or going out on NYE thing, but they always preferred staying in.

    Starlight: I guess on the bright side, the bird finger was the only one messed up. :/ I'm actually surprised that all of them weren't chipped in the process--it was quite a scrub job.

    Lori: I like that. Think I'll go with that idea. :)

    George: Ditto.

    Cherry: You are such a sweetheart, thank you! You know, I agree: I don't think being a virgin is a big deal in the grand scheme of things--I mean, it's a choice, a decision I made until love comes along. But to the vast majority, it's a huge deal, particularly in today's society. It's aggravating sometimes.

    :) Sounds like you had the same kind of NYE as me, my BFF, and other singles I know.

    Suzanne: Oh no! I hope you are all feeling better! I guess the cherry juice isn't so bad after all. :)

  12. Yes. Go with Lori. I was thinking the same thing actually.

    And I also have zero tolerance. Tequilla makes my clothes fall off. :)

  13. Oh yes, our NYE's are very much alike. Well about virginity, it isn't a big deal here in our country. Men like virgins here actually, no malice intended.