Monday, August 15, 2011

One Missing Dad & One Found Mean Magnifier


Wake-Up: For whatever reason, dragging my tired bum out of bed was especially difficult.

After washing my face, I quickly brushed on some bare minerals and spied a brand new mascara sample I had yet to try.  Retrieving the little box from the bottom of my makeup bag, I saw that it promised extraordinary volume.  

“Okay, prove it.”  I opened the tube and…huh, the little wand thingy is quite springy and has what appears to be two longer bristles on the tip.  *shrugs shoulders and begins applying* “Ow! Son of a…”  Those oddly long bristles stabbed me in the eyeball, sending my eye into spaz-mode, while mascara went everywhere.  Out comes the eye-makeup remover and cotton ball.  

Must reapply makeup all around the eye area.  Pain in the butt.

Ah. Well.  They should have added a small disclaimer: Extraordinary volume that will clump and look like spider legs.  Add an extra ten minutes trying to de-clump, separate, and remove said unimpressive mascara to an unusually tedious makeup day. 

Lunch:  On the agenda—shopping with Dad for Mom’s birthday.  Shopping with my dad is always the same: I shop, he wanders.

Barnes & Noble: Like always, Dad wanders, I shop.  I quickly picked up the items on mom’s birthday wish list and made to find Dad. Um, Dad? Where are you? I looked in all of his favorite haunts: history, travel, DVD… He was nowhere to be found.  Great. I lost my dad.  This isn’t the first time. I knew the only thing I could do was to go through the entire store.  Slightly rattled when one full sweep turned up no dad, I made an aggressive right turn into hardback hell, otherwise known as the Mean Magnifier. 

Mean Magnifier: “Well, look at you! Suffering no-baby blues, sweetheart? Or…did you find someone and have a little bun in the oven already?” she said, looking at my left hand.  “No ring, though. Have we decided to join the masses?”

What the hell is she talking about? Oh, crap. Parenting books and stuff. 

Me: “Oh, no, no, just heading to…” think of somewhere, anywhere “…to the section on…” OMG say something! “…to the children’s book section.” Really? That’s the best you could do, you absolute idiot?!  Couldn’t say travel or cooking, could you? Look at her, smiling like I just handed her a platinum stick to shove up my a**. 

Mean Magnifier: “Aww, that’s cute.  Your clock must be ticking.”  She started making a tick-tick sound with her plastic nails on a book she was holding. 

Me: “Oh, no, no.  No ticking.” Apart from the ticking time bomb that is my patience. 

Mean Magnifier: “No, you’re right, it’s probably ringing!”  Her laugh is the kind that makes you want to body slam her into the sharpest book corners. 

Me, more worried about finding Dad: “None of that actually.  Well, it’s good to see you—”  Oh, please don’t touch me.

Mean Magnifier: “All kidding aside, are you seeing anyone?”

Ugh, Me: “No, I’m not.” I’m beginning to loathe the word ‘no.’

Mean Magnifier: “Well...someday, right?”  And there we go: the head shake, faux-forlorn look, and fake lip bite that’s really masking her crap-eating grin.

Me: “I should really get going—”

Mean Magnifier: “To the children’s section, right?  I may join you.  I need to get the kids some more books to read.”

Me: “Well, I’m actually running really short on time.”

Mean Magnifier: “Okay, honey, you take care.”

Me: “You too.” 

Mean Magnifier: “Oh, and when you have more time, self-help is over there.  Bye, hun!”

Nice.  Really nice.  For the record, I’ve NEVER purchased a self-help book.  Never.  I have received them as “gifts,” however.  Never read ‘em, either. 

The next instant, I spotted Dad sauntering towards the front of the store.  When I caught up with him and his big old grin, I asked him where he’s been. 

Dad, grinning from ear to ear:  “I was in the store…bathroom.”

Terrific. 

17 comments:

  1. That experience would make me a permanent internet shopper. OMG, that chick was awful. How did you NOT body slam her??

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  2. Is this Mean Magnifier a real person or just an annoying voice in your head?

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  3. You showed a lot of patience. If it's not about being single, its when are you getting married, if it's not marriage it's when are you having kids. It never stops. The jokes and insinuations suck :)

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  4. J. Day: She's a piece of work that one. If my mom had been there, it would have been hilarious--she handles women like that so beautifully.

    GB: Oh, the Mean Magnifier is real flesh and bones...not sure about heart and soul. Luckily, I don't run into her on a regular basis.

    JW: Thank you. I guess I've gotten used to her antics. You're so right--the minute you are in a relationship the engagement questions start, etc. It's ridiculous. What gets me is that these same people were once single and probably had to endure the same crap, so why do they carry the crap forward? Not cool.

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  5. Carole: Don't think I'd stop you! lol

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  6. At least he didn't come out of the bathroom with a big expensive book like George on Seinfeld. Now you know the first place to look the next time.

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  7. What a bitch! you showed remarkable restraint in not body slamming her or at least punching her in the face!

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  8. George: LOL. Well, next time I'll just wait in the front of the store. lol

    Eva: Thank you for that. Over the years, I've learned to keep my cool and bite my tongue. Plus, with her, you just kind-of know what to expect.

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  9. Hmm, your father seems to like the same subjects I do. Whoa!

    And, LOL! I know it was a horrible experience, Frisky, but that was one funny story! :)

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  10. Oh no! She sounds very annoying! I would have pushed her out of my way and onto bookshelf or something. Okay, not really. But it was a nice thought! ha!

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  11. We don't have Barnes & Noble over here, our two big bookstores are called Waterstones and Easons lol.

    I think every dad is the same, once they have a child then it becomes the child's responsibility to buy his wife presents lol.

    You have great patience! I would have been so sarcastic with her!

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  12. LOL, I would have smiled impatiently and left without answering her :P

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  13. By the way, lovely blog you have here :)

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  14. David: :) In life, it's either humor or depression. I choose humor...and Captain Crunch.

    Yvonne: I had some entertaining mental images that involved bookshelves, that's for sure. lol There are people who just love to take potshots. After a while, it is what it is--shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, find the humor, and keep moving.

    Hazel: I have an exclusive book from Waterstones that a friend of mine sent me from the UK. I would love to visit one someday. That probably sounds corny--I want to go to the UK to visit a bookstore. lol I'm a dork like that. :)

    lol--think you're right about dads.

    :)--If my mind had not been consumed with finding my dad, I might have had to bite my tongue.

    PurpleMist: lol-that would have thrown her into tilt. lol And thank you so much! :)

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  15. THERE IS NO WAY SOMEONE THAT AWFUL EXISTS. That is the most horrible excuse for a person I have ever heard about. Even Hilly, from that book, The Help, was a puppy in comparison to that witch.

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  16. Lex: Oh, yes, unfortunately, these types of people do exist. It's like she has no shame...or soul, actually. Really, I will never understand how some people can live their lives treating others badly.

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