Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'll Give You A Second Date

When did having sex on the first date become an expectation? I mean, we all know the unspoken 3rd date dilemma, but the first?! After you've just met someone?! Listening to friends, this is becoming more and more common.

Dinner--talk--laugh--get asked for sex in car before leaving parking lot--answer no--date over.

I've had the first date sex offer a few times, sometimes in the car, sometimes at the table.  Never ceases to amaze me. I mean, we just met, I hardly know you, you hardly know me, and yet you expect me to sleep with you?! Um, no. Ever hear of self respect? No? Ah, I see, your perky little member is crying too loud to hear your brain.

I had one date literally ask which sexual positions we would explore after dinner.  I lost my appetite almost immediately, particularly while watching him showcase his ability to lick food off his fork. I'm not sure if he was trying to be sexy or if that's really how he eats his food. Either way, it made me nauseous.

The most recent was Second Chance Charlie.  After dinner, before dessert arrived, he offered up the sex deal.  It was rather classic, considering he apparently wouldn't be able to make the long ten minute drive home and told me about a hotel up the street.  Super. 

Well, I shut down that little gem pretty much as our dessert arrived.  It was then S.C.C. pulled out his phone and proceeded to arrange a booty call after our dinner.  Awesome. 

Me, noticing his sulk change to that I'm gonna get some grin: "Did you just booty call someone?"

S.C.C.: "Don't take it personally."

Me: "Believe me, I don't."

S.C.C.: "I respect that you don't do it on the first date, I do, and because I do, I'll give you a second date."

Me, the shocked smirk stretching across my face: "Think you'd be better off sticking to your booty girl, there." 

Bet he would've keeled over had he known I'm a V-card holder.


Dinner--talk--laugh--get asked for sex before dessert--answer no--date makes booty call--date offers second chance date--answer no--date over. 

So, is this a trend?  Random luck of the draw? Whatever it is, I'm thinking I should just prerecord my answer and bring it with me.  Then, when critical question oozes from date's mouth, I can whip out a little recorder and play said "no."  Bit concerned I'll develop some sort of twitch if I have to keep giving the same answer over and over again.


  1. I thought where men are concerned, nothing would shock me. But Frisky, I am pretty shocked. I'm not sure why this matter-of-fact conversation hasn't happened to me, but it hasn't. Maybe because I'm older. It may be a new trend amongst the more hormonal boys (20 and 30-somethingers). I contend more with impotence and/or asexuality. =)

    SO sorry. You handled this very well.

  2. I confess, I had sex on the first date more than once; some times the first was followed by many more; sometimes they were solo dates. Mr. Eva and I dated for 3 months before we had sex. Then we moved in togother a month later; and married 8 months later.

  3. O..M...G....seriously???

    Jerks like that wouldn't know what to do with a good thing if it jumped up and b****-slapped them. Keep your chin - and hopes - up, my dear Frisky. Gotta "kiss" a lot of frogs to find that prince :-)

  4. That's sickening, but you wrote it in such a funny and intelligent way. Are we all in high school again with the horny teenage boys who are interested in nothing but getting in our pants? How about some self control and getting to know someone?


  5. Robyn: You are lucky it hasn't happened to you. My poor mom is absolutely floored by this "trend." Guys in her day wouldn't dare, as she says. lol

    Wow, so asexuality and impotence. Dang. I'd say they're pretty much equal with the first date sex offer on the awkward & annoying scale. It's rough out there. :(

    Eva: Reckon first date sex can sometimes turn into something long term, but it hasn't happened to anyone I know (more like urban dating myths). I mean, I know there are people who do the first date sex thing, and that's totally their choice. What bothers me is this quasi-formal sex offer. I mean, if it's going to happen, shouldn't it just, like, happen? I don't even know if that makes sense. You and Mr. Eva are true soul mates.

    chocolateangel: Seriously. Sadly. You know, the frogs seem to have more and more dang warts, but I'll keep trying. :)

    LOLA: :) Yeah, good point. These dates do seem to have a high school feel to them. Oh, the getting to know someone takes to long apparently. Ugh.

  6. I probably should have mentioned I was a virgin when I got married the first time. We were divorced after 12 years. Marriage #2 has lasted 28 years.

  7. Oh dear. I don't even know what to say.

  8. REAL men wouldn't dare.

    I mean, what a turn off? ASKING before hand, and don't get me started on the booty call in.

    OKAY, I get it, guys wll take it when ever they can, but what happened to a little bit of romance first, or spontaniety? And last time I checked there wasn't a "rule" but more of a mutual understanding.

    So glad I'm not dating anymore. Chin up. There's bound to be one decent man left. :)

    OMG! My verification word was "vinergra" I looked quick and thought it was Viagra. Sorry. HAD to share that.

  9. Eva: You are too cute! When I see numbers like that, I so hope.

    Rita: Yeah, don't blame you. :/ I hardly know myself.

    Julianna: I really don't know where this trend is coming from. It's a mystery to me. I want romance...not some "Wanna have sex" offer. Ewy.

    I agree with you--real men wouldn't dare. So, that begs the question...where are the real men? 'Cause I ain't findin' 'em. :/

    LOL--Brilliant. Can't get much better than a Viagra-ish verification word on a sex-driven date post. lol

  10. If this is an example of the pool you have to pick from, no wonder you keep your distance, what a total low class jerk. Is this really how it is out there? Then again, there wouldn't be jerks like if there weren't booty call chicks, ready at any moment...

  11. Alessandra: I'm afraid it is, at least from what I'm finding and friends and even acquaintances. I really hate dating, to be honest. I inevitably wish I had stayed home and watched a movie or read a book.

    You make a REALLY good point--maybe these guys wouldn't be so jackwad-ish if there weren't booty call girls ready and waiting. :/

  12. It's been a while since I've had to go on a stranger date . . . but never would I ever be so bold as to make such a proposition, nor would I want to. While I didn't see anything special with having my V-card back in the day (heh, heh) I at least had the better sense to want to know the person first before I hopped in the sack with them.

    So, yeah, it must be the poor selection in your area, Frisky. Real men don't behave like that. Not at all.

  13. David: Thing is, it's not just my area, at least according to people I talk to--this is happening in very different areas/cities/coasts, you name it. We're all encountering this trend. It's disheartening to say the least.

  14. OMG, I SO ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT. You handled that so confidently *applauds*.

    I personally hate this idea of first date sex. You barely know someone, and then you get into bed with them? How is that any different than a slightly more fancy booty call or one night stand? Blah. Some people.

    Again, you're awesome for how you handled that :D. The nerve of Second Chance Charlie offering a second date after he made a booty call in front of you!

  15. I agree with David that a real man doesn't behave like that, but it is a widespread view. I think it's obvious but if a guy behaves like that, especially arranging a booty call in front of you he in no way respects you and all he cares about is getting in your pants. Your "V-card" is not something to give away to someone who doesn't deserve it and that's what I appreciate about you, that you don't do it just to say you did. Just think, if he was so desperate he couldn't wait until your date was over, and you did get together with him, what would stop him from being unfaithful to you?

    Stick to your guns girl! You're awesome :D

  16. And there was the time you got the "offering up sex with the song on the mixed cd".
    Or that time I got the "I don't wait longer than three months for sex so don't waste my time if you're not down to do it in that time frame" guy...although apparently that was pretty chivalrous of him if so many guys really do expect it on the first date.

    1. As a guy, if a woman didn't want to have sex with me after three months of successful dating I would assume that she wasn't that into me, and move on.

    2. Anon: In this day and time, I could see how you would assume as much, but please know there are some women out there who just want to take it slow (virgin and non-virgins), who want something special, and think you just might be that special kind of guy. If the situation presents itself, don't assume she's not into you and maybe just talk to her because she may not realize you feel that way.

  17. I want to smack that guy, and any others who think this way, over the head with a book on dating etiquette!

  18. As a fellow virgin, I would just like to say WTF.


    Seriously. Modern society and its ideals are taking us back hundreds of years. Primitive. Disgusting. People are so shallow and selfish and rude and sexist. I literally can't take it. Being at college, I'm surrounded by it. I don't understand how those guys can be like that.

  19. Anna: Thank you, sweetie. *hugs* Totally agree with you--you are so right with the "fancy booty call" comment. I think he's probably a player-type just out to sleep with as many women as possible.

    Jay: Aww, thank you! *Hugs* I will stay strong, promise! :) You and David are right--I can't imagine real men acting that way, but, My God, why are there so many that do? And it seems to be increasing!

    That 20 Something Virgin: The CD-not-so-subtle-hint-date was the third date and for Valentine's Day. So, I guess he was as chivalrous as your time-table guy. The whole thing makes me a little nauseous. :/

    Carole: lol-Would you? Please? I wouldn't protest. ;)

  20. This is just depressing... Whatever happened to getting to know each other a liiiittle bit before standing naked in front of each other? I just don't get where people get that instant trust to go so far... Although that's probably not trust, just something else I can't determine and apparently completely lack...

    I think the recorder idea is pretty good. It would show your date as much respect as he gave you...

  21. Oh dear, Miss Virgin, aren't there any romantic, amorous fellows in your locality? I honestly think you'd be better off dating 16-year-old boys who write poetry,

  22. Where are all the gentlemen these days? Fair enough, guys may want to have sex on the first date but they shouldn't actually say it! Why can't they give you a lingering kiss before saying goodnight? And let everything develop slowly? Sigh

  23. What a numb nuts! I can't believe he made a booty call! In my opinion, these muppets aren't good enough for you!

  24. You're welcome. You don't have to print this bit but I wanted to add something. You said your mom was floored by this trend because people wouldn't do it in her day. My parents would say the same. At least in my opinion it's a new view of morality. People of both sexes are more willing to do this but where's the meaning in any of it? Guys make all kinds of BS excuses for their behavior, but if my parents could stay together for 43 years and never cheat, then the guys of today are simply less willing to exercise control.

  25. See, the things is, all the "real" men get snatched up pretty darn quick! :) That leaves only the douche-y, whiny, man-babies out there to swim the waters. Not a promising selection at all. I guess there's some truth to the saying: all the good men are either taken . . . or gay. Or taken AND gay, but you know what I mean.

    I think the only good men still single are those in their very early 20s, or the divorcees in their late 30s or 40s. If you're looking in the age range between, say, 27 and 37 . . . you might be SOL.

    Unfortunately this means most of your prime dating opportunities might just be with losers who cannot hold down a real relationship. They never grew up and so, therefore, don't know how a lady should be properly courted. It's very sad.

  26. Lex: Everything you just said is everything I feel right now and I absolutely don't understand it either.

  27. Beliza: I don't trust people easily. Trust is something earned. But, like you said, it's probably something other than trust at work. I just don't get it.

    GB: Haven't found those romantic types yet. Romance seems to be a foreign concept these days. Don't worry, there's a man my age out there somewhere.

    Hazel: Exactly. I mean, sex is always going to be on the brain, but, My Lord, don't ask for it! I honestly don't know where the gentlemen are these days. They seem to be missing. Oh, yeah, it's like they want to bypass the sweet, lingering kiss and go straight to sex. :(

    Juliette: Thank you. It's rather disheartening, this trend to ask for sex on the first date. What happened to romance and getting to know someone?

    Jay: Really beautifully said and I completely agree. If my parents, your parents, BFF's parents, grandparents, etc. can make it last and have a happy, loving marriage, there is NO reason people can't make it work today. But, like you said, it takes self-discipline--just because a man (or woman) in a committed relationship is tempted by sex doesn't mean they have to act on it. What's more important, you know?

    David: You know, if I'm SOL, I'm SOL. I'm not settling for the BS of today. I spent my 20s studying and achieving--if that cost me my opportunity to find a really good man, well, then I guess everything in life is a trade-off. But, I will still believe he's out there, somewhere. :)

  28. Next time just pull a Gibbs head slap on the douchebag that does that. (just a little NCIS for ya)

    Twice if he arranges a booty call in your presence. Oh and then throw a glass of whatever you're drinking, call him a jerk, and walk away.

    Wait . . . I may have stolen that last bit from a movie or something.

    Whatever. Either way, you'll get your point across. Right? ;o)

  29. J.Day: I actually wish I had just up and left. Someone would have picked me up. Ugh. I hate dating.

  30. Wow. Just wow. I have been on a decent number of first dates but have yet to be asked for first date sex. Well that isn't true...but still. I don't think it has anything to do with a V card holder. If you aren't getting "I want to jump you RIGHT NOW" vibes off the woman then asking for sex is rarely going to get you laid. Men should know, based on our interest level and cues if you are even considering sex. Most women will make the first move if they are interested in some first date nookie. How RUDE!
    So sorry sweets! HUGS

  31. 36-year-old-not-so-much-a-virginOctober 23, 2011 at 4:06 PM

    You ever consider the fact that you really didn't miss out on much? If the dude was simply looking for an easy score, then I would say just chalk it up as two different agendas and forget about it. It happens all the time when you date. The fact that he made the call to the other girl during your date simply makes him classless. And this means that you aren't missing out on much by never seeing him again. You ever think about getting involved in certain activities that may increase your chances of meeting a decent guy? Church activities? Grad school or even just a few random classes? Just a thought...

  32. Jewels: There does seem to be a distinct lack of manners. Who ASKS for sex? I mean, really? This is not a trend I prefer. Yuck.

    36-year-old-not-so-much-a-virgin: Good to see you! :) Oh, sure I know I'm not missing out on much, certainly not with guys like that. I have been looking into some things, apart from school--when it comes to education, I've been through it all--I was the quintessential Hermione and very much focused on educational goals. lol

  33. This guy is obviously gross, but you should probably drop a hint as to your philosophy before accepting a date in the first place. Plenty of guys are willing to take it slow, but only a very select few (I don't personally know of any) are going to wait until marriage. In fact, you'll probably find out that those who do are closet gay. Sorry, but that's the world.

    1. Oh, I know it's the world, and I'm cool with it. I am who I am, just like the world is what it is. I just don't believe in putting sex before love, and maybe that makes me silly, but so be it. I guess I don't reveal this part of myself on the first date because I want him to get to know me for me.

      Who knows, maybe I'll be this generation's Jane Austen (minus the books), and that's okay, too.