Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Holiday Wishes for an Asshat

Some men are like the abominable snowman in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer--mean, arrogant, and slightly stupid...until you play on said stupidity and yank out all of their teeth.  Only then will they finally see how far up their own anus they've been.

Consider the following my cosmic attempt at tooth extraction of a truly first class asshat.  And, since it's Christmas, this shall be done in fine holiday style, complete with iconic movie references. 

Holiday Wishes for an Asshat:

While in NYC, I wish for you to hit on a Rockette, who will see through your inflated ego and promptly high-kick your butt to 34th street, where you will ask Santa for a pair of balls.

After a good stare-down, Santa sarcastically does the "Ho-Ho-Ho," before shoving you down a nearby slide, which will deliver you to a grand, empty home in Chicago...empty apart from an eight-year-old boy.

Convinced you're a burglar, the boy will put one heck of a hurting on you, equipped with burning door handles, blow torches, and flying paint cans, one of which will knock you unconscious.

When you awaken, you find yourself under a chair in the form of a cat with a string of Christmas lights in your mouth. The ghost of Christmas future indicates a future as pitiful as this, should you continue your jackassy ways.  And just to make sure you get the point, the homeowner plugs in the lights and POUF! Your fried kitty self is dumped with the chair next to the gutter where Cousin Eddie emptied the full shi*!er. 

What a sad, smelly way to go.

Sweaty and panicked, you wake up and vow to hang up your asshat forever. 

The end. 

The beginning.

So, if you have a fellow asshat in your life (male or female), do them a favor by wishing them a cosmic tooth extraction. 'Tis the season, after all. 



  1. I did have one, thank God he's been eliminated out of my life! lol

  2. Your fried kitty self is dumped with the chair next to the gutter where Cousin Eddie emptied the full shi*!er.

    Even better would be the asshat under the table when the unseen dog is yakking up a bone, shaking the whole damn table. That's the one scene that makes me lose it, laughing until I can't breathe.

  3. Is this the same eight year old from Home Alone?

  4. Kalei's Best Friend: Thank goodness! lol

    Rory: LOL--oh, yeah, I love that scene, too! lol So many to choose from!

    Drake: Yep! I figure just about any asshat would be in over his head against him. lol

  5. I have purged myself of all Asshats...and whats more I refuse to let them get the best of me when they do decide to pop into my life. I know it is difficult but that poor asshat will never have a decent life and that is punishment enough-most of the time. In this case he deserves ever tar & weathering, icy staircase, and bb gun shootings.

  6. Actually, I think I'd pay money to see that movie. Especially if they made it rated "R" and used the word asshat often.


    One of the best words ever.

  7. I eliminated all asshats from my life a couple of years ago, but I enjoyed this just the same.

  8. Jewels: Oh, for sure add the ever tar, icy stairs, etc. lol

    Julianna: LOL--Me too! The word just sums everything up so nicely. lol

    Chanel: :) Thank you. There is just no place for asshats, except with other asshats.

  9. No one stands a chance against the Home Alone kid. And I'm sorry but I still laugh my ass off when the cat gets fried under the chair. As horrible as it is, when I see the fried kitty outline . . . Lord help me. lol

    And I'm with Juliana, asshat is a wonderful word.

  10. Bleh I have an idiot asshat girl at work I used to be friends with. I regret the day I ever got her a job there!

  11. I've never, in my life, heard anyone use the term "asshat" over here lol! We're a lot more crude with the good ole term "arsehole" haha!

  12. Thank god, asshats are thing of my way long ago past!

  13. Have to say that asshat is definitely a word I use a tad more often than I probably should; Ya know... being a lady and all. It just conjurs up such interesting (albeit disturbing) visuals. LOL

    While I love all of the movies that you referenced, I do have one more to add, if that's OK... So, After said asshat suffers the wrath of the 8 year old boy, he awakens in the form of a different school aged boy, just as he accepts a TRIPLE dog dare, having something to do with a tongue and a very chilly lamp post. Sthuck! Sthuck!! Sthuck!!! ;~)

    In case I don't get the chance to pop in for a visit over the next few days, I want to wish you and your folks a Very, Very Merry Christmas!

    ~Mrs B

  14. J.Day: Oh, I do too--I feel bad for the poor cat, but...Bwahahahahahaha! It's just funny, you know? lol Asshat just sums things up so perfectly.

    That 20 Something Virgin: Ugh. I think girl asshats are worse than guy ones. It's like you somehow expect the guy to develop a case of asshat or something. ;)

    Hazel: LOL--Oh, that made me laugh! Arsehole is a brilliant word.

    Eva: I'm hoping I can shed myself of asshats in the New Year.

    Mrs. B: The visuals are spot on when is comes to asshats. lol

    And...LOL LOL LOL--Yes! That's another scene said asshat needs to endure! lol

    Merry Christmas to you and your family! I hope you have a wonderful, magical holiday and New Year! *Hugs*

  15. I never said asshat until the asshat quit taking his meds because he said the psychiatrist was poisoning him. It's an excellent word, and this is an excellent post.


  16. LOLA: LOL--Thank you, darlin'! And it really is a fantastic word. :)