Friday, November 19, 2010

Apparently, I Have A Faux Husband. Terrific.

Wake up: I fell out of the bed. Haven't done that since I was seven. In all fairness, my foot was wrapped up in the sheet. Thinking it would just slip free, I crawled out, kind-of flew forward, and...THUD.

This little mishap set up the rest of my day. Sadly, I was blissfully unaware of that fact.

Lunch: Picked up a few things for mom at the grocery store. Traditional family Thanksgiving grocery trip forthcoming. Said grocery excursion is almost always reminiscent of the Griswolds.

Delivering items to mom was eventful. Walked in and mom started talking about an episode of House Hunters from last night.

Me: "Ooh, what was the situation?"

Yes, I do like House Hunters...and Property Virgins--don't say it.

Mom: "She's a grandmother looking to move closer to her daughters and granddaughters. After the grandmother picked her house, she talked about how lucky she is to be near her daughters and have so many grandchildren...with another one of the way--one of her daughters was noticeably pregnant."

Mom, under her breath: "Ugh, witch."

Oh. My. God. There goes the flashing single sign over my head, sirens blazing.

Me: "Um, what did you say?"

Mom: "Huh? Oh, nuthin' darlin'. Nuthin."

Me: "Mom, you called her a witch. It's because she has grandchildren, isn't it?"

Mom, looking like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar: "Well, yes, in part. I just know I would rock as a grandma."

Me: "You would. I would love nothing more than to see you as a hip granny."

Mom: "I would love nothing more than to see you as a beautiful, sweet, adoring, wonderful mama."

Okay, trying to keep from crying. Won't cry. Won't cry. My clock isn't ticking yet, so the tears are solely for the fact that my mama thinks I would make a wonderful mommy. 

Mom: "The most important thing is for you to be happy. Never jump into anything just has to be right in your heart and your instincts have to be there. You are always perfect to me, married, unmarried, whatever."

Me: "I love you, mom."

Mom: "I love you too, my baby girl."

I love these moments.

Mom: "Um, there is one little thing..."

Oh, Lord.

Me: "Mom, what have you done?"

Mom: "I meant everything I said but...there is a possibility that...I...may have...inadvertently...well...I have a son-in-law."

Me: "What?"

Mom: "You're married."

Me: "Huh?"

Mom: "Well, I was nervous. There were these big guys, so I told them my son-in-law was here and would help me."

Me: "When have you ever been nervous? And what big guys?"

Mom: "That's neither here nor there, my lovely, just know I accidentally said you have a husband."

Me: "I have a faux husband. That's just terrific. That's the only thing you could think of?"

Mom: "I can't control what my mouth was the first thing that flew out."

Me: "Yeah, doesn't that worry you just a little? The first thing that enters your mind is to craft a faux husband for your daughter? I mean, why couldn't you have said Dad was with you?"

Mom: "Huh. That would have made more sense."

Great. My mom's subconscious is now acting out. 

Night: Watching the Longhorns (basketball) and NASCAR Camping World Truck race on SPEED...with my faux husband. Well, hell, why not? He's as invisible as air, right?

Reckon I'll watch Ghost Adventures later, mourn the end of NASCAR's season this weekend--hope Dale can end the season on a high note. I've got my Dallas Mavericks starting soon. Mainly, I will sit here this Friday night--date night--alone with my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Oh, wait, I have my faux-friggin' husband to keep me company. Yippee.


  1. Chocolate chip cookie dough doesn't talk back, fart, or snore. Sounds like a great date night to me. :)

  2. Faux-husband's are the best, I want one. I'll trade you my real one for your faux one!

  3. Amen on the farting! Sometimes I just walk into a room and have to leave immediately.

    "I can't control what my mouth does." Priceless. Gotta love moms.

  4. Wait a minute ladies! We don't just fart, there's belching as well. Oh, and changing the channels constantly.

  5. I think that your mom sounds great and I competely understand. I often times tell little fibs with out meaning to. One time, I was in NY in October with out a jacket and an elderly man said I was going to catch cold. I quikly told him I was from Alaska. ON idea why. I really am from Vermont..another cold state. I really had no reason to lie. these things just happen.
    Like she said, they just fly out of my mouth and by the time I realize what I have done..its too late. We are not in the 2nd grade and there are no "take backs"

    Epic tales of a Professional Freakshow in Heels

  6. and what about watching ESPN for 24 hrs? I love my husband but sometimes...

  7. 1) I LOVE that your mom calls you "baby girl". I call my daughter that every day. So what if she's 26 and you're in your 30's?? You're still our "babies" and always will be!

    2)George forgot to add that they watch the most horrible "B" movies on the planet as long as they star Jean-Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal or Vin Diesle.

    3) I've been known to open mouth/insert foot, way too many times to hold your mom accountable for what she says.

    4) I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't ready for a grandchild and I know my daughter wants children, but the important thing to me is that she's ready and that she's found the person that she wants to have them with. That is and always will be her choice to make and I am all about what makes her the happiest. I know that is what your mom (and dad) want most for you too.

    5) I'm a huge House Hunters and Property Virgins fan! They are by far, my fav HGTV shows. I really miss Suzanne Wang though. (the first host of HH. The new "voiceover" person is just too... well, impersonal)


  8. Just say No to faux husband or not! lol besides you could always just give her grandkids without the son-in law, it would be half the trouble!...I love your mom, she is so damn funny!

  9. How sweet! Your Mom sounds amazing! :-)

    As for the faux husband, well that's special. Haha. At least if somebody calls you out for talking to yourself you can come back with, "I was speaking to my husband and I'll thank you to stay out of our business." hehe

  10. I love being close to my parents, too. :) I've always been close to them, which used to be to the chagrin of my friends. My dad used to randomly call me up and leave voicemails for me while I was in college of just one line of a U2 song (we both heart U2). Hilarious. But it let me know he cared. :)

    And my mum says that all the time "I can't control what my mouth does...."