Monday, December 6, 2010

Gotta Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair

Place: Nice sushi restaurant...I hate sushi.

Flag one

Plan: Group date--Me, my date (who I will refer to as Mr. Bo Tangles), a friend of mine, and friends of his. Mr. Bo Tangles said he would take care of everything; invite all parties, including my friend; he really wanted to "impress me." His words. And, boy, did he impress me.

Scene: Me, Mr. Bo Tangles, and three couples I have never seen before.

Dilemma: Where is my friend? Could he not make it? Did he bail?

Answer: Mr. Bo Tangles "forgot" to invite him.

Possible flag two.

Before Dinner:

Mr. Bo Tangles: "I'm sorry, but it's driving me crazy."

Me, trying not to feel queasy over the fishy menu: "What is?"

I barely turned my head and the man had his hand in my hair, pushing it behind my ear.

Mr. Bo Tangles, tucking my hair tightly behind my ear: "Sorry, but you have this one little section of hair that is just flyaway and it's driving me nuts."

Flag three?

Me, stunned: "Uh, oh, is windy out, so..."

The other couples looked extremely uncomfortable. One of the guys starting talking football to ease the moment, which worked beautifully until...

Mr. Bo Tangles: "Ugh, it came loose again.  Maybe if you didn't get so expressive in your conversation."

Ugh, DEFINITE flag four

Me, gently nudging his hand away as he tried to re-tuck my hair: "Your friend and I are having fun talking about the Longhorns. Come on, just have fun and forget the hair. I mean, it's hair, not some beast that's going to attack you at any minute." Although, I kind-of wished my hair could reach out and smack him.

Everyone laughed, but not Mr. Bo Tangles; nope, instead, he stared at the side of my head with the offensive strand of hair. I swear, it was like he was trying to visually flatten it down--now there's a new take on a superpower--super ion flat iron eye beams! Oooh, watch out Superman!

Dinner: Um, yeah, not so much. I spent most of the time trying not to regale them with a live production of The Bold and The Gagging.

I noticed Mr. Bo Tangles talking to one of his female friends, even taking her outside for a moment. Very odd. When he returned, he was all smiles.

Female friend: "You have such pretty hair!"

Me: "Oh, well, thank you."

Maybe she had a talk with him; maybe he's finally off this hair-obsessed kick

Female friend: "I bet it would look gorgeous in a ponytail. Here, let's see what it would look like."

Maybe not.

Without much time to process what was happening, the woman began pulling it back into a low ponytail. If that wasn't shocking enough, she tied it back with...are you ready...a scrunchie. I haven't worn a scrunchie since the 1990s; at that moment, I suddenly recalled an episode of Sex and the City...and the infamous scrunchie.

So, now, the hair I had worked hard to have look nice for this date is destroyed and slicked back...into a scrunchie. I am part mortified, part ticked beyond belief, particularly when I see Mr. Bo Tangles--his smile could not get any wider; it was triumphant, almost gloating.

He conquered my hair! Hurray! It was like he wanted a Yankees-World Series-like celebration. All I could picture was how I'd ditch the confetti and toss this raw fish crap instead.

I kept the regrettably cloth hair-tie in place for a bit. When I did remove it, he scowled.

Mr. Bo Tangles: "Why did you take it down?"

Me: "Because this is me. I'm not a pull-your-hair-back-in-a-scrunchie kind-of-gal, and when I do pull it back, it's with an ouch-less rubber band that matches my hair. Besides, I like my hair long and free. And, frankly, when I've taken the time to fix it for a date, I don't particularly care for someone seeing fit to mess it up.

Mr. Bo Tangles: "I just thought you'd look even prettier if..."

Me: "I'm not looking for someone to change me to meet some impossible idea of who he thinks I should be. He'll never be happy and I'll never be good enough.  That's no way to live...for either party."

Married male friend: "I like your hair however you want to wear it. That little wild strand is pretty hot."

Uh, uncomfortable moment alert! His wife looked murderous.

And that, my dear blogging buddies, was the end of said date. Add it to the list.

Note to self: Find man who likes sometimes unruly hair.


  1. Oh my gawd!!!! You are still way too nice, the moment the female friend tried to pull back my hair into a pony tail is the moment I would have taken the scrunchy and attached it from his nostril to her's... Good lord girl, he is a moron!

  2. Oh I should regale you with my wonderful sushi story. HATE. SUSHI. Evil food. Anyway - I wanted to reach through my laptop and smack the shit out of Mr. Bo Tangles. What a jerk!! Obviously a control freak and not worth a second of your time. And if you truly said all that to him, you, my dear, are my hero.

  3. I would have LOST it when the female friend attempted to put my hair in a scrunchie!

  4. I agree with Average girl. If I were you I would probably leave the restaurant when that woman started fixing your hair.

    I hope your next date will be better.

    I'm a new follower and I really like your blog and your stile of writing.
    I would like to invite you to check out my blog and become a follower. Do leave a comment if you like, constructive criticism is welcome:

  5. Ugh! I would have shoved that scrunchie right down that chick's throat, then punched Mr. Bo Tangles in the junk. You are much nicer than I am.
    I hope your next date is with a better guy and at a place you actually want to eat the food.
    Hey, can you tell me how to put a button on my blog? I can't figure out how to for the life of me!!!

  6. Oh my goodness! I cannot even believe it! When the friend pulled back the hair I would have slapped her hand away, you showed such restraint!

  7. Oh, em, geee! SERIOUSLY!! You've had some of the craziest dates..but this one...I can't believe he called in his sidekick and her 1992 scrunchie!
    And the married guy hitting on you...hilarious! Not so much for his wife though!!

  8. Awesome awesome awesome! Thank you for telling that with such detail! Mr. Bo Tangles doesn't even deserve you. His friend on the other hand, sounds like a guy who knows what he's talking about! Good for you!

  9. Mr. Bo Tangles is a psycho. :) It's a great story to start my day! Thank you!

  10. That's TERRIBLE! I would have said something catty to the friend, like, "Hey, I'll move so you two can sit together, and you [to Mr. Bo Tangles] won't be so close to my crazy hair!" Wow. I bet the other couples were so uncomfortable. What did obnoxious friend's date say about her being outside and all interested in Mr. Bo Tangle's date?

  11. I can't even imagine somebody "fixing" my hair on a date, let alone having a friend completely change my hair style. I have no words. Wow.

    I couldn't even laugh at this was too awkward and strange. I feel like I have to go and shower the jerk off of me just reading this.

  12. It's unanimous, the chick was out of her mind for fixing your hair and should have been bitch slapped on the spot; Mr. Bo Tangles probably just escaped from the local rehab clinic for control freaks....I cannot believe some people are so wacky, I pray my husband won't die before me, cause I ain't going out with any of these wackos!

  13. That guy is a dumb ass. And his little friend with the scrunchie is, too.

  14. Whaaat? LMAO! OMG, you are too nice! I would have threatened to stick my fork on Mr. Botangles hand if he tried to touch my hair again and as for Scrunchie locks, hell no! I would have smacked her! -Hope your next date fares better!

  15. My Joy Project: It was eventful, that's for sure. Not even I saw that one coming.

    Average Girl: You are hilarious! I could actually picture the scrunchie tying their nostrils together. Well, my mama raised me to be polite, patient, I was. I'm sure my facial expressions said it all--I was none too pleased.

    J. Day: It is an evil food! I really can't be around it. :/ As for what I told him--yeah, it was one of those moments where I finally had enough of the situation and the words just rolled off the tongue. I'm not really sure he truly got what I was saying. I feel bad for the next girl he tries to change.

    Deviled Megs: Yeah, I was in shock. It happened so quickly. I couldn't believe it.

    Starlight: Thank you so much for following my blog! I'll be sure to follow yours as well--can't wait to start reading! As for the date, I did contemplate leaving for a moment, but, then, I didn't want to be rude, even though they were clearly out of line.

    Jess: You are too funny. Wish you could have been there to do those things for me!

    As for the button, I didn't actually design it or anything, but if you ask Martha Ruth (Upstate New York Housewife)I'm sure she would help you. She was the genius behind the button, so all I did was add the code to the "add a gadget" thing. If you e-mail her, I'm sure she would walk you through it--she is super, super nice.

    Little Match Girl: It took every bit of restraint I had. I had to think of my mama and stay polite, to the best of my ability. Honestly, though, I think I was in total shock at what was happening.

    Suzanne: It's ridiculous--if he doesn't howl at the moon, he is calling in the hair police to cuff my hair with a scrunchie. I mean, are there ANY normal guys out there at all???

    Cinderita: :) It was insane. The guy must be a control freak. I would be horrified to know just how controlling he can be.

    With Cherry: :) He must be. I can't wait to catch up and start reading your blog!

    Rebekah: Honestly, I don't think he cared. Now that you mention it, he seemed almost used to stuff like that or something. The whole thing was unreal. I couldn't wait to get home--plus, having some stranger-woman's scrunchie in my clean hair bothered me to no end.

    Jewels: That's exactly what I did--walked through my door and straight into the shower. I just need my hair clean, me clean after that date. To say I was uncomfortable is an understatement.

    Alessandra: Oh, be so very glad you aren't out there. I'm just astounded at how many truly "off" dates are out there...and I swear I seem to find them all.

    Ms. Caboo: I'd go along with that. :) Definitely bizarre.

    Yvonne: You are funny! Scrunchie-locks! That's great--that is now her name. What woman would do that?! I could never do something like that! Truly, I was shocked. Honestly, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good date anymore. :/

  16. I guess it's fair to say you didn't sleep with him then..? :-)

  17. Holy crap! I'm so glad you put him in his place! I totally thought of that SATC scrunchie moment too! Who even owns scrunchies anymore?