Dear The Frisky Virgin,
I hope you don’t mind me writing you. I need help and have no one to talk to.
My boyfriend wants to have sex on prom night. I’m not ready. When I told him, he said he’s not sure he could stay with me if I don’t. He even said he might not be able to take me to prom if he knows I won’t have sex with him. He said he loves me, and doesn’t want to break up, but that it’s time we have sex. I feel like it’s an ultimatum. He says if I love him and he loves me, then I should be okay having sex, especially on prom night.
I don’t want him to break up with me, but I’m not ready to sleep with him either. I don’t know what to do.
Never worry about writing me—that’s what I’m here for, anytime.
Your instinct is right: He IS giving you an ultimatum—have sex with him or he’ll break up with you, possibly even before the prom. That’s a low thing to do. If he truly loves you, he simply should not put you in this situation. For him, the future of your relationship rests on whether or not you have sex with him on prom night. That’s just backwards. Love doesn’t work that way.
You’ve told him how you feel and still he dangles the dreaded break-up carrot in front of you. He’s not respecting your feelings—he's too focused on what he wants. It sounds like he’s trying to guilt you into having sex. I understand that you love him and you don’t want him to break up with you…but, do you really want to stay with someone who could put you in this situation?
Sex is a big deal. If you think about it, it’s what brought all of our lives into existence. An act that can create a human life is no small thing. It’s not something you should feel pressured to do before you're ready, even if you love him. No one should ever push you into something you don’t feel comfortable doing. This is your life, no one else’s.
I’ve seen girls give in long before they were ready because their boyfriends backed them into a corner—have sex or break up...and it’s something they said they really regret. I know it’s difficult to be strong, but you need to stand your ground. If he truly loves and respects you, he will stand by you. If not, he may walk away. If he does break up with you, then he didn’t deserve you to begin with. Does it hurt when a guy walks away over not getting sex? Of course it hurts, but, in the end, you stayed true to yourself, you didn’t give in to something you weren’t ready for, and you learned just how strong you are—that’s invaluable.
*If I can be of help to anyone, please know I’m here to talk about the stresses and benefits of virginity, how to handle certain situations, or, well, just anything. :) Messages, whether via e-mail or otherwise, will only be posted if you give the thumbs-up.
"especially on prom night"? give me a break.
ReplyDeleteyou're totally right about everything, well said. if someone puts you in that situation, they're not worth it.
wow, good advice frisky! i'm glad that person sought out advice/help. i hope she heeds it.
ReplyDeleteGuy sounds like a douche... Sex is a big deal, Prom however isn't. Therefore I don't get the correlation.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Frisky on this one. Do it when you want to and when it feels right, not because of some high school dance.
Might as well say "Well I love you and I think Labor day weekend (black history month, easter, ground hogs day,... etc) would be the perfect time to have sex." It doesn't make sense.
Ugh, how low can a guy get? I hope this girl takes your advice and breaks up with him; she's obviously too good for him.
ReplyDeleteIronically I was backed into a corner by the older girl when I lost my virginity.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, Frisky! How did you get so wise at such a young age?
ReplyDeleteGood advice TFV...
ReplyDeleteWhomever this lovely girl is who wrote you, all I can say is the following: sex should be a mutual thing, a wanting by both parties when both parties are ready, if he breaks up with you, well he wasn't the one in any event, because the ONE will wait for you till the end of time because the wait for you, should be and would be worth it!
Cheers darlin!
So glad you were able to offer such amazing advice Frisky. I totally agree. You should never feel forced into sex and it should never be used as a weapon. Sex should be between two people who are ready and excited to be together physically and not before. I know it sounds like the end of the world if he breaks up with you, especially before prom, but this is NOT the guy you should be with. His threats show a distinct lack of respect and caring for you no matter how many times he says, "I love you". Cut your losses and breathe deeply that you have the chance to avoid future heartache at a much deeper level.
ReplyDelete"Boys are stupid!" was the advice I gave my girls when they were teenagers. I can see it's still true! Sigh. Great advice Frisky.
ReplyDeleteI never understood why guys really thought prom night would be the best night to have sex.
ReplyDeleteMy teacher I told us, "If he says, 'If you love me, you'll do it,' you should always turn it back on him with a cool, 'If you love me, you wouldn't pressure me to do this.'"
You said it just right! He's not the right guy for her if he's giving an ultimatum!
I never understood the whole "we have to have sex on prom night" thing. What is so different from all the other dances at school? Anyway, I made it through two proms and countless other dances without giving anything away, except a few kisses. If anyone ever holds that kind of ultimatum in front of you, they are so not worth another second of your time.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice, Frisky; I hope she heed it.
ReplyDeleteYou'll always remember your first time. If that first time is surronded by guilt, pressure and feelings of not being ready, then it won't make for a good memory. Stand strong and know any man worth sleeping with would never put you into this corner. Love waits.
ReplyDeleteDitto to everybody above. The guy is a total jerk, today is prom, tomorrow it will be working the corner for him. Okay, maybe that's a little much, but the idea is the same. I really hope she gets the message.
ReplyDeleteI hate that kids have to feel so pressured nowadays. I plan to give my daughter all of the guidance she needs and always, always keep the door open for us to talk. I never had that with my own mom.
ReplyDeleteWhy do boys in America always want to get laid on prom night? I blame Hollywood.
ReplyDeleteWell said. No one should force someone else into sex. This is an important part of a relationship but not an essential part.
ReplyDeleteIt’s amazing how overblown prom night is in American culture. So many movies where the protagonists are more concerned with the prospect of missing prom night than… well, everything. Saving the world, battling monsters, finding the killer, nothing is more important than prom night! It’s like watching a self-parody.
ReplyDeleteVery good advice! the boyfriend must be a loser! I bet he's the kinda douche that'll still break up with her once he sees someone he considers hotter even if she has sex with him on prom night.
ReplyDeleteHey! It's back!
ReplyDeleteBut all of the comments are gone?
Seriously, what the hell did Blogger do? Because I haven't posted since Monday, nothing of mine went missing. But I'm seeing doubles of a lot of posts. Nice update, Blogger.
ReplyDeleteFrisky! Well done. That young lady will have her heart broken, but in the end will be so happy she said no. I hate to say this, but I bet even if she did give in, he would end up dumping her anyway. Once he has what he wanted, he will move on to the next young girl.
ReplyDeleteTsk. He's an idiot. She is well rid of that one. Good advice lady... x
ReplyDeleteI'd say the guys an idiot and that you gave her amazing advice :D
ReplyDeleteChanel: :( Maybe they still have to get the comments back up. *fingers crossed*
ReplyDeleteJ.Day: I was so confused when we were first able to log on. lol I still hope they restore the comments on this post.
ms. caboo: Thank you so much! I'm afraid you are right.
Number Eleven: Thank you! Yes, no girl needs to put up with that kind of pressure.
Somnia: Thanks. :) When someone really loves you, they don't put you in that position. I hope she realizes that now. :)
You need to tell this girl the boy is going to break up with her anyway. If he's making such a threat it's a sure sign the respect and love has gone out of the relationship, and he's getting ready to leave- he just wants to take her virginity before he goes. So he doesn't feel he wasted his time. This happened to so many girls all through highschool. Men don't stay with women who respond to ultimatums, they see them as weak pushovers. She's going to feel awful when he breaks up with her after he already got her virginity.
ReplyDeleteReally it's very nice and good advise for virgin guys.
ReplyDeleteVery good advice! the boyfriend must be a loser! I bet he's the kinda douche that'll still break up with her once he sees someone he considers hotter even if she has sex with him on prom night
ReplyDelete