Dear The Frisky Virgin,
I hope you don’t mind me writing you. I need help and have no one to talk to.
My boyfriend wants to have sex on prom night. I’m not ready. When I told him, he said he’s not sure he could stay with me if I don’t. He even said he might not be able to take me to prom if he knows I won’t have sex with him. He said he loves me, and doesn’t want to break up, but that it’s time we have sex. I feel like it’s an ultimatum. He says if I love him and he loves me, then I should be okay having sex, especially on prom night.
I don’t want him to break up with me, but I’m not ready to sleep with him either. I don’t know what to do.
Never worry about writing me—that’s what I’m here for, anytime.
Your instinct is right: He IS giving you an ultimatum—have sex with him or he’ll break up with you, possibly even before the prom. That’s a low thing to do. If he truly loves you, he simply should not put you in this situation. For him, the future of your relationship rests on whether or not you have sex with him on prom night. That’s just backwards. Love doesn’t work that way.
You’ve told him how you feel and still he dangles the dreaded break-up carrot in front of you. He’s not respecting your feelings—he's too focused on what he wants. It sounds like he’s trying to guilt you into having sex. I understand that you love him and you don’t want him to break up with you…but, do you really want to stay with someone who could put you in this situation?
Sex is a big deal. If you think about it, it’s what brought all of our lives into existence. An act that can create a human life is no small thing. It’s not something you should feel pressured to do before you're ready, even if you love him. No one should ever push you into something you don’t feel comfortable doing. This is your life, no one else’s.
I’ve seen girls give in long before they were ready because their boyfriends backed them into a corner—have sex or break up...and it’s something they said they really regret. I know it’s difficult to be strong, but you need to stand your ground. If he truly loves and respects you, he will stand by you. If not, he may walk away. If he does break up with you, then he didn’t deserve you to begin with. Does it hurt when a guy walks away over not getting sex? Of course it hurts, but, in the end, you stayed true to yourself, you didn’t give in to something you weren’t ready for, and you learned just how strong you are—that’s invaluable.
*If I can be of help to anyone, please know I’m here to talk about the stresses and benefits of virginity, how to handle certain situations, or, well, just anything. :) Messages, whether via e-mail or otherwise, will only be posted if you give the thumbs-up.