Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mean Magnifier Returns

The Mean Magnifier's resurgence is the primary reason for my last post, featuring my new very favorite song, King of Anything. If you haven't read about The Mean Magnifier, please check her out here--warning: you might want to slap her: The Mean Magnifier

You know that feeling--when you're actually having a good day...sun is shining, air is fresh, you're sporting a new outfit and matching handbag--things are feel oh-so-spiffy. Does that feeling ever last? Nah, not when Mean Magnifier is on the prowl.

"Hun! Hun! So good to see you--it's been too long," screeches Mean Magnifier, wrapping her way-too-long nails around my shoulders.  "How have you been? You look precious--look at you! Like a little baby!"

Peachy. "Doing really well. How are you?" Like I need to ask.

"Oh, everything is perfect, as always. My kids love school and my hubby makes me breakfast in bed every weekend. I guess he figures I'm worn out, if you know what I mean...well, I guess you don't really know what I mean.  But, I'm sure you will one day...maybe."

I swear, she's the exorcist kid.

"Now, I heard about (the one that wasn't).  That must have been a shock for you, poor thing. You were really counting on him, weren't you? Now he's left you out in the cold...and for an older woman of all things," she says, laughing.

Any minute her head is going to start spinning.

"I had actually moved on from him quite a while ago."

"Of course you did," she said, much like Rita Skeeter when she interviewed Harry in Goblet of Fire. "Well, I have the perfect man for you. He's handsome, successful, everything you would want. I even told him about you, and he was very interested.  Are you interested?"

Maybe her head won't spin after all.  "Well, sure, why not?"

"Wonderful! I knew you would little problem...he's not thrilled you are a virgin."

"You told him?"

"Well, hun, you would've had to tell him eventually of your chosen situation," she said, condescendingly.

Any second her head will be zippin' around that bony little neck of hers.

"Yes, I suppose that's true, but it is my thing to tell."

Waving her hands she continues, "Anyway, it really took the wind out of his sails, if you know what I mean. He just wasn't into it."

"Hmm, that's interesting, really," I said.

"Why is that, hun?"

"Because most men get seriously turned on by it."

And that, my friends, is how you put Mean Magnifier in her place without her really realizing it. I made my escape, leaving her completely gobsmacked. It's not my normal practice to toss out a zinger of that magnitude, but she had just taken things too far--and it's not the first time.

"Let me hold your crown..."


  1. LOVE IT!!!! I was smiling all the way through-- too many people like that! You're a terrific writer!

  2. It's all about "perception", baby. Hidden in the shallows of all her conversation, is a woman in desperate need of a life makeover. And a dope slap. -J

  3. Wasn't there a bucket of water that you could have thrown on her nearby?

  4. She sounds like a bitter woman who's had some baaad sex. She's just jealous you're waiting for a zip a dee doo da for your first time!

  5. You are WAY TOO NICE... I would have b&%ch slapped her a long time ago my friend!

  6. I agree with Average Girl, only after the b&%ch slapping, I would have run her over with my car, just to make sure.....

  7. Sounds like jealousy to me for sure! Yes a bucket of water or a twirling house in a tornado would have been nice to have landed upon her! lol

  8. Good for you my Frisky friend! I love how you got enough to give us a good story..AND you got the last word! YAY!

  9. Aunt: You are too sweet--thank you for that. And you are soooo right--there are far too many people like her.

    Juliana: LOL--dope slap! Love it!

    George: Had there been a bucket of water nearby, I would have been sorely tempted. lol

    Ms. Caboo: I never really thought of that, but it's very possible she has had some bad sex. She loves to paint a picture of it being oh-so-perfect...hmmm, maybe you're right.

    Average Girl: ROFL Maybe I could introduce you to her for the split second it would take for you to "get through" to her! LOL

    Alessandra: I'll introduce you next. ROFL

    SSW: Oh, you hit the nail on the head--she's like the Wicked Witch of the East!!!

    Cinderita: Unfortunately, she always gives me a good (and annoying) story...along with a good-size headache. This was the first time I got the final word--I was pretty happy about that one. lol

  10. This post made me think about the Cheetos commercial where two moms are watching their kids' soccer practice or something. One is eating Cheetos, and one is wearing a white jacket and just goes on and on about how great her kid is. He just won this award, and he's learning Mandarin Chinese, and blah, blah, blah. So finally Cheetos mom cuts off MM mom, hugs her, says "it's been so good catching up with you," and pats orange Cheetos powder all over MM mom's jacket. Then she walks away. You, my friend, need to keep a bag of Cheetos in your purse.

    Seriously, MM is totally jealous. Breakfast-in-bed hubby is probably an exaggeration, and the constant need to make you feel cruddy about your decisions screams insecurity. In my experience, the people who say they have the best lives are generally hiding the biggest skeletons in their closets. I feel sorry for her.

  11. That is one seriously sad woman, that's all I can say on the matter because it's hard to imagine any normal person being so obtuse!

  12. People like that just suck. No two ways about it. All of us singles know someone like that, unfortunately. But I agree with everyone else on here; more than likely her "perfect" life isn't nearly as perfect as she claims it to be. I don't see how people can try to make you feel bad for decisions that are yours alone to make. There's nothing about your decision(s) to feel bad about. :o)


  14. Terrible. What a horrible no-good witch. You should have exorcised her. She obviously has no compassion or courtesy.

    I say stuff like "it'll happen!" or "keep your chin up" or "He's out there and you'll find him" because I LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE IT. I was alone (and a virgin!) for a wicked long frackin' time so I know exactly how it feels to see all your friends and family members running around with boyfriend/girlfriend after boyfriend/girlfriend. You feel sorry for yourself at first, but after a while you don't. You're right: you do start to reassess your own life choices and who you are as an individual.

    I learned that being single was learning to love, respect and value myself and everything I am. To me, it seemed like that's when the universe "deemed me ready" for that one other person that respects and loves me as much as I do.

    So people like MM can go eat a tack. :P You don't need to listen to her crap or anybody else's. :)