Monday, July 12, 2010

The Mean Magnifier

Being single has its perks, but it also has some pretty illuminating drawbacks. I say illuminating for one simple reason: said drawbacks quite literally force you to look at your choices through a magnifier...and the result isn't always very pretty. It's kind-of like looking at your pores through a magnifying mirror: somewhat interesting, always horrifying.

Most days, the mean magnifier is an older, self-important, know-it-all woman, who is in a relationship or married.

“So, are you seeing anyone special?” asked Mean Magnifier in an unusually high-pitched voice.

“No, still just me,” I said airily.

Ugh. There it is...the thing all singles hate...the dreaded oh-you-poor-thing head tilt. I must say, the tilt seems to be a bit more extreme when you are a single virgin in her early 30s.

“Well, he's out there somewhere, sweetie. I'm sure he is...probably...maybe,” she said, far too happily.

“Here's hoping,” I said, surveying the area for a quick exit.

Placing her tan hand on my shoulder, while attempting to look sincere, Mean Magnifier whispered, “At least you have plenty of time. You are still so young. Although, it does go by in a flash. I promise you, one day you will know what it's like to be wrapped up in a man's loving arms and wake up the way you went to sleep with him. You'll know one day...even if it takes ten or fifteen more years.”

Biting my tongue, while trying to keep angry--and, admittedly, hurt--tears from stinging my eyes, I said, “Sooner than ten or fifteen years, I hope!”

“Well, reality is reality,” said Mean Magnifier, tossing her head back, laughing.

“Suppose it is,” I whispered. “Well, I should get going...”

Ah, the exaggerated head tilt returns. “You poor thing, you must be really sad most of the time—being alone, single, never having had that feeling of being with a man physically, knowing you are getting older by the second. You just must feel so depressed.”

Well, not until you spelled it out, Mean Magnifier witch.

“Oh, I get by just fine, I promise.” With that, I went through with the goodbye pleasantries and swiftly exited, feeling less than great.

Truth be told, I do get a little lonely sometimes, maybe even sad. But, I like to think that sadness is reserved for those things in life we've had and lost. Moping around, all sad and depressed about something I've never had just doesn't seem right. Nobody ever has everything they want in life; it would feel like a waste of precious time feeling sad about something that never even existed in my life in the first place.

So, I chin-up and move forward with eternal hope pulling me along.


  1. Look at you and your cute background!

    And on your post: I want to punch her! I really hope I never, ever do stuff like that!

  2. Girl, let me tell you something. I feel the same way. Everyone I know is in a relationship and sometimes I want to beat them up for being happy but then I realize...wait...they fight, they have to make time for each other, they get annoyed with each other...and we just have our awesome selves!!! YAY US!
    When we finally are in a relationship we'll be ready and fully broken in as to how to avoid being one of those Mean bitches.

  3. Rebekah--Thank you for helping me find the backgrounds! I had way too much fun looking through all of them. :)

    Oh, yeah, I had to seriously bite my tongue! The words I had rolling across my mind would have left her speechless, but I didn't want to be anything like her. I don't think you will ever be like Mean Magnifier; the cruel streak runs through her blood, always has.

    Olivia--You are so right! That is one of the perks of being single. My mama always said, "Women who have to snobbishly remind you of how happy they are in their relationships, probably aren't all that happy."

    Never in a million-trillion years could I treat anyone like the Mean Magnifier treats people. But, you are right, bitchy women like her certainly set an example of what not to be in life.