Monday, October 18, 2010

So Not The Sign I Was Looking For

It all started when I asked for a sign.

*I'd like to say it started when the Cowboys lost, but that's not likely considering pathetic play, stupid penalties, and evaporating-should-have-been-wins are becoming a weekly occurrence. Unfortunately, I can't blame everything on them...or can I? Hmm*

I have no idea what possessed me to ask for a stupid sign--suppose I was looking for a little direction, maybe even a cosmic pat on the back. Boy, did I get it--a great big slap-you-in-the-face-spit-on-your-feet-knock-you-on-your-a** pat on the back.

At about 12 a.m., I foolishly asked for a sign.

At 1 a.m., I get a splitting headache. I blamed the Cowboys' loss.

At. 2:15 a.m., after drinking far too much soda (helps the headaches), I finally kicked the nasty headache and tried to go to sleep.

At exactly 3:58 a.m., the gallon of soda I stupidly downed kicked in.

At 4:00 a.m., my usually reliable toilet made a very un-toilet-like sound. It sounded like a cross between a Shrek burp and a Fiona fart.  I turned, bleary eyed, to see water flowing out from under the lid and all over the floor, my feet, the throw rug....everything. Horrified, I tried to lift the ball-thing in back part of the potty (no clue about proper potty lingo, apart from calling it a sh*!ster).  Nothing doing. The damn thing was stuck. Somehow, after tucking my hand under the "thing," I was able to get it stopped.  Terrible Toilet finally cleared itself without the assistance of a plunger. "Oh, now you clear yourself," I grumbled, looking around at the mess.

At 4:15 a.m., I began mopping up my bathroom.  But I couldn't stop there...I grabbed the disinfectant and got to work. I have great respect for Snow White and her whole whistle-while-you-work thing.  Me? I gag while I work. Mop. Mop. Gag. Mop. Mop. Gag. (picture the White Queen in Alice In Wonderland and her slight gag reflex...yeah, similar to that).

4:40 a.m.: My bathroom is clean and feet, however, are not. GAG.  Thoroughly repulsed, I grabbed a towel, wash cloth, and my hair clip, intending to take a shower...I absolutely had to get the toilet water remnants off of my feet. GAG.

4:50 a.m.:  Just before slipping into the shower, I flipped on my bathroom radio--I find music takes the edge off...unless, of course, fate decides to shove it up your a** sideways. The song? "...I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign..." I stood there, a little chilled, completely naked, and thought, "So, that's my sign? I'm destined to get sh!* on for eternity. Fabulous. Great. Really super."

5:15 a.m.: I head downstairs to grab a glass of milk, settle into my comfy recliner, and watch a little television, all in an effort to calm down. I flip on ESPN.  Cowboys' highlights.  Sigh.  Flip to Cinemax On Demand. SNAP! The cable box blows out. Wonderful.

Luna Lovegood would smile, take the lemons life throws at her, make some brilliant lemonade-flavored happiness potion, and move on to the next, no worries.

I prefer to take the lemons, chuck them back as hard as I can, and hope it hits him, her, or it right where it hurts.

To add insult to injury, I've been fighting a semi-mild case of food poisoning/bad reaction since about 4 p.m. today. 

Guess I got my sign. See if I EVER ask for one again. Fate. I have thoughts.  Many thoughts.  Can you guess the choice two-word phrase that has been running through my mind all day? Yeah. About sums up my thoughts on fate at the moment.


  1. Wow. Um, that is one shitty night. Me and toilets don't usually get along. Many times I've found myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off to find the plunger as apparently sometimes it just can't swallow the pee. I have no idea. It does that shit when I CLEAN it. Seriously. Fucked up contraptions, I'm telling you. And while I sympathize with you, I'm going to have to apologize because I was laughing so hard. And you know that Luna is repressing feelings or something - no one can fully have that "whatever" attitude all the time! LOL

    Hope things start looking up! :o)

  2. I am so sorry for laughing when I read that...I'm aware it was a horrible night for you...but really...what are the chances all that happens on one night!? I sure hope tonight goes better for you!

  3. Y'all don't need to apologize for laughing. Even I have to laugh (my new thing...laugh in the face of fate). It's totally ridiculous. I was pretty p'od to be sure, but what are ya gonna do? I still can't quite believe all that happened. Yeah, tonight better be a bit better. lol

  4. When I have nights like that,I like to take the lemons and add tequilla and salt.

  5. Were Gilligan and the Skipper there? It sounds like you were dreaming a sitcom episode. I'm sorry it all fell on you at once.

  6. George: My mom has always, ALWAYS said my life is like a sitcom. This was a perfect example. I'm still a little flabbergasted by the whole thing. How does all that happen at once?!?! Oh, right, I asked for a stupid sign. Blah. Not gonna do that again.

  7. Yes this is laugh out loud funny! Although I must admit I felt bad for you! It's the mom in me!

  8. Toilets always decide to $%ck with women in the middle of the night, when we're dressed to go out and running late, and when we're deathly ill. I think they should come with a life time guarantee that they will NEVER fail, stop up, or make otherwise odd noises.

  9. I'm pretty sure Luna Lovegood is mentally challenged! And it does suck that you're cleaning toilet water off the floor at 4am. You have my deepest sympathy...and I'm a little jealous! Your bladder can hold a gallon of soda for 2 hours? I would have been good for about 15 minutes!
    Great post, great idea! Wish I had thought of it myself!

  10. Sandra: Maybe she is, but I would so love to have that totally carefree attitude about things.

    I was being sarcastic regarding the gallon of soda; I drank a lot...too much.

    No, trust me, you DO NOT wish you had this post because in order for you to have had the post, you would have had to go through all the crap...and it wasn't fun--funny after the fact perhaps, but not fun.

  11. Oh Lord! I'm laughing, I'm feeling bad, I'm laughing some more and I'm empathizing. I haven't had those specific things happen in one day/night, but I have had those days when it all went into the shitter. (sorry)

    I've always believed that signs come to you when you aren't asking specifically for them. I've just never trusted a sign that hasn't revealed itself. Any time I've asked for them, I've spent the entire time anxiously wondering if any little thing that happened was "it"! Drove myself nuts!

    So now I let them come to me, and the amazing thing about that is that when they do, I always know for sure that it's what I was meant to see or hear. That's what works for me, anyway.

    Hang in there kiddo! I hope you are getting a good night's sleep right this minute. Pleasant dreams!


  12. This sounds like it was straight out of an I Love Lucy episode... sorry you had to go through all this on such little sleep. On the other hand, I'm sure you have one of the cleanest bathrooms in the neighborhood! :)

  13. Holy smokes, what a long chain of unfortunate events! However, I do share your affinity for soda - I had to switch to diet, even though it's still bad for me, because I suck it down like water. When I was in college and writing research papers, it wasn't unusual for me to drink an entire 2L bottle in a couple hours. It's a sickness, really.

  14. You poor thing! What a night!!
    Maybe the 'sign' did come...not that it's all crap. But maybe that it's gonna show up unexpectedly and you'll have to work for it?
    How that for lemonade? I tried...ha!

  15. Wow, if the universe wasn't giving you some signs I don't know what it was doing! I am sorry you had such an unfortunate night. Toilets and I are not friends!
    But...isn't it wonderful to have something to post about?!! When I am in the middle of something ridiculous I am glad I am a blogger.
    Hope things start looking up!

  16. Martha: Your theory on "signs" has really got me thinking--thank you. :)

    Daydream: In the moment, I can't see anything other than the mess, but upon later reflection, it really did resemble a sitcom. It was absurd! But, yes, my bathroom is squeaky clean now. :)

    Steve: OH! That's the perfect way of describing it: "...chain of unfortunate events." Spot on. I'm convinced the plumbing is rebelling against me for some unknown reason. And, yes, soda is a sickness. Love the stuff.

    Suzanne: I really like your thinking and it did help! Maybe it was a sign within a sign kind-of deal...hey, I'll hope for anything other than what I think fate was trying to tell me. lol

    Jess: Oh, yeah, that was the ONLY bright side. lol Fate clearly kicked my butt. I mean, what else am I gonna do? Dwell on it? Nah, better to write about it and move on. :)

  17. That stuff only happens in movies!! :O

    Poor thing. :( At least the potty water is gone, right?