Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Five Ways To Ruin A Date

1.  The Spit Up: Your date takes a bite of a delicious-looking pork dish, makes a retching sound, then proceeds to cough it up on the table.  Wishing to gag at the half-chewed piece of pork sitting lifeless on the table, you stare at your date...Dear God...he has his hand in the air, waving at the waiter. Are we in school?

"I have a tricky palette," he says, as if spitting his food on the table is perfectly acceptable.  

2.  Finger Snaps: I hate when people disrespect waiters and waitresses. It's just rude. Snapping fingers is a no-no. To start snapping your fingers to get your date's attention? Bad. Very bad.

Snap! Snap! "Your food isn't going anywhere. Are you hearing me? I like to know your paying attention."

Yeah, because a woman is incapable of doing two things at once. Rude.

3.  Drink Robber: It's quite a shock when your date reaches over, grabs your drink, and starts guzzling it. 

"That sauce was way too hot, and I don't like water."

4.  Bad Tipper: Kind-of goes with the snapping thing...tipping your waiter a quarter is unacceptable.  Your waiter had to deal with chewed up pork, a waving hand, snapping, serious complaining, and you want to leave him a quarter?

"Poor attitude, poor tip," he says, plopping it down.

Let's just say you would never leave your table without making sure your waiter is well-tipped. No exceptions. Tip rectified on the sly.  

5.  "Between My Teeth": Time for the goodnight kiss...and you're not really into it. He smiles, and has a massive bit of something green in between his two front teeth.

"Um, you have something between your teeth," you say gently. After everything, you feel the need to point it out.

"Yeah, you," he says arrogantly.

"Beg your pardon?"  Uh, what?

"I've got you between my teeth."

"Oh-uh, um, well that's sweet...and kinda creepy...a little cannibalistic, but..."

"No, no," he laughs, "you don't get it, isn't that cute!" Tapping your date's head as if it's empty is also a big no-no.  "I'm referring to that song...I've got you between my teeth."

"I'm pretty sure it's 'I've got you under my skin.'"  

The inability to carry a tune isn't a date-killer...getting the lyrics wrong to an absolute classic is surprising, but still not a date-killer.  Sarcastically tapping your date's head and pinching your date's cheeks, while singing the wrong lyrics in the wrong key with a giant green thing in between your teeth, after spitting up your food, snapping at your waiter and your date, and expecting your waiter to clean up your chewy-spit-up-meat, yet not leave a proper tip, is kind-of a date killer.

Result: No kiss, no second date.


  1. I can't stand a date that doesn't tip well! That irritates me beyond belief! If your cheap there are ways to be classy about! Men are stupid! This sounds like a first date I've been on with no chance for a second one! Just move on girl, he's a looser!

  2. Oh my goodness...please tell me this isn't a true story!? That is entirely too horrible to be true...then again why would you make that up!? That man is going to be alone for a long long time. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

  3. Please tell me this isn't from experience. He should be flogged.

  4. Ugh, if y'all only knew--so much worse.

    My mom has always said my life is like a sitcom...I would rather the box of chocolates analogy from Forrest Gump, I think.

  5. But in every decent box of chocolates, there's eventually a caramel or a chocolate-covered almond... I responded similarly to your comment on my blog. :)

  6. This really happened?! Oy, I am so sorry girl. That may just have to rank as one of the WORST dates EVER!

  7. uuugggghhh! All of those things are just terrible!
    1. if you must spit out your food, do it tactfully. ex-"hey I think I know that person *points*-then when you turn your head-spit it in a napkin
    2. snapping AND waving? you guys were so THAT table you poor thing!
    3. the drink robbing...ridiculous..reminds me of the Joey doesn't share food episode of Friends.
    4. Poor tipper, BOOOOO! It's his fault that the waiter didn't want to be attentive and helpful b/c HE was being a jerk. Kudos to you for tipping on the sly!
    5. I think this was the worse part. Seriously.

  8. yup these are surely date killers- some men can be soo gross gives me the jeebs just thinking about it

  9. Yeah. I wouldn't have lasted past step 1. I would have "gone to the bathroom", paid my share of the bill and left a tip on my way out the door. -J

  10. Oh my word! Someone ELSE who loves Pink as much as I do..and is waiting for true love...and calls herself a frisky virgin? hello! I need to follow you! I haven't even read your post yet but I saw your comment on Jewels post and I HAD to come over and visit you. I think you and I are gonna get long quite well.

    stop by for a visit sometime.

  11. I just had to come back and read this again. TOO FUNNY! Especially the "I've got you between my teeth" line. Yikes!

  12. It sounds like he was trying WAY too hard to be a jerk. It is important to not pander to someone you're dating. It is also important to treat them like a decent human being and what not, along with all the wait staff you run into as well.

  13. Steve: Oddly enough, I wish he had been "trying" to be a jerk. Unfortunately, after a little comparison o' the notes and his repeated attempts at a second date, I'm afraid to say he was 100% authentic, no was just who he is. Could have been worse...he's left a whopping dime as a tip before.