Why Wednesday #6: Why Do You Need Love To Have Sex?

Answer: I reckon, you don't...but I do.

Personal opinions vary widely when it comes to sex and love. Some see love as “that thing that might” come after sex...no pun intended. Others just see sex, no strings, and certainly no love. Giving yourself to someone is no small decision.

When I look back on the personal relationships of my friends, I instantly know, for me, it's love or bust.

Let's look at a couple of examples:

High school: Puppy Love Spell (with a splash of that desperate high school need to be popular and wanted by the boys).

Over and over I'd hear friends use those three little words: I love (insert boy's name here). In high school, the word love is used loosely. Girls mistake puppy love for real love, while boys typically say love to get sex. There are exceptions, of course, but none existed in my reality.

Neva: Her ex-boyfriend's brother, Ben, was dating a lovely girl. Said lovely girl wouldn't put out. Neva put out. Ben, after talking with big brother, knew all he needed to say was that he loved her, and he'd get from Neva what he wasn't getting from his girlfriend. He staggered to her place, poor mouthed his girlfriend, and said, “I just wish I had a girlfriend like my brother had in you. I wouldn't have screwed things up like he did.” This lead to some making out. He knew he was one step closer.

The next night, he called, begging to see her. I'm sure you can guess what he said... “I think I'm falling for you, Neva.” They had sex right there on her living room couch.

According to her, it was all so perfect. Of course, all amounted to scarcely two minutes and two thrusts.

Every night for what had to be months, he went out with his girlfriend, then later turned up at Neva's place for sex. Oh, and he said all the right things...during those two minutes of “perfect sex.” Things like: “I love you,” “I can barely breathe,” “No girl makes me feel like you do.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

I tried to tell her a million times what was really happening, but she was so in love...with a guy who was cheating on a girl he had no intention of breaking up with. Ben's girlfriend did find out...and she dumped him. Neva thought Ben would want to be with her now, but he kept crawling back to his ex, begging her to forgive him, which she did. Sadly, before she was ready, she had sex with him to keep him from wandering again, which he did. Two months later, she dumped him and was a little screwed up after giving in.

Adulthood: The Love For Money.

Dina: Dina needed men. Dina had a pension for rich men, married or single. If he had money, she latched on like gum to a Manolo. Often, she slept with men right away. She would say, “I think I love him.” Translation: “I think I love his money.”

Did I mention she had an STD? She saw sex as leverage, particularly with the married men. And oh, she was very good at getting men to believe she actually loved the person. She, herself, was used a time or two by some wealthy men, and it really hurt her...badly. Yet, she continued living her life in precisely the same manner.

Dina did listen to me when I'd try to help her break this cycle. She even went for a time without a man and without judging men solely by their bank accounts. But, ultimately, she was sucked in by the allure of money, eventually growing into one of those obnoxious girls who only talks money and pricey things, even with friends.

Before our friendship faded, she did say one thing I will never forget: she told me that if she could start it all over again, she would rather be in my shoes, still a virgin. I've never been so stunned. I imagine, in a way, she believes her decisions have created a kind of prison, where, in her mind, she has no choice but to carry on as before...to her, there is no going back, there is no changing paths.

To me, if you see what you've become and want to change, you will, otherwise you are who you want to be. Dina is who she wants to be. So, while Dina sits married to a man she thought had money, I remain alone, waiting for the real thing...and I wouldn't have it any other way.