Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Why Wednesday #6: Why Do You Need Love To Have Sex?

Answer: I reckon, you don't...but I do.

Personal opinions vary widely when it comes to sex and love. Some see love as “that thing that might” come after pun intended. Others just see sex, no strings, and certainly no love. Giving yourself to someone is no small decision.

When I look back on the personal relationships of my friends, I instantly know, for me, it's love or bust.

Let's look at a couple of examples:

High school: Puppy Love Spell (with a splash of that desperate high school need to be popular and wanted by the boys).

Over and over I'd hear friends use those three little words: I love (insert boy's name here). In high school, the word love is used loosely. Girls mistake puppy love for real love, while boys typically say love to get sex. There are exceptions, of course, but none existed in my reality.

Neva: Her ex-boyfriend's brother, Ben, was dating a lovely girl. Said lovely girl wouldn't put out. Neva put out. Ben, after talking with big brother, knew all he needed to say was that he loved her, and he'd get from Neva what he wasn't getting from his girlfriend. He staggered to her place, poor mouthed his girlfriend, and said, “I just wish I had a girlfriend like my brother had in you. I wouldn't have screwed things up like he did.” This lead to some making out. He knew he was one step closer.

The next night, he called, begging to see her. I'm sure you can guess what he said... “I think I'm falling for you, Neva.” They had sex right there on her living room couch.

According to her, it was all so perfect. Of course, all amounted to scarcely two minutes and two thrusts.

Every night for what had to be months, he went out with his girlfriend, then later turned up at Neva's place for sex. Oh, and he said all the right things...during those two minutes of “perfect sex.” Things like: “I love you,” “I can barely breathe,” “No girl makes me feel like you do.” Blah. Blah. Blah.

I tried to tell her a million times what was really happening, but she was so in love...with a guy who was cheating on a girl he had no intention of breaking up with. Ben's girlfriend did find out...and she dumped him. Neva thought Ben would want to be with her now, but he kept crawling back to his ex, begging her to forgive him, which she did. Sadly, before she was ready, she had sex with him to keep him from wandering again, which he did. Two months later, she dumped him and was a little screwed up after giving in.

Adulthood: The Love For Money.

Dina: Dina needed men. Dina had a pension for rich men, married or single. If he had money, she latched on like gum to a Manolo. Often, she slept with men right away. She would say, “I think I love him.” Translation: “I think I love his money.”

Did I mention she had an STD? She saw sex as leverage, particularly with the married men. And oh, she was very good at getting men to believe she actually loved the person. She, herself, was used a time or two by some wealthy men, and it really hurt her...badly. Yet, she continued living her life in precisely the same manner.

Dina did listen to me when I'd try to help her break this cycle. She even went for a time without a man and without judging men solely by their bank accounts. But, ultimately, she was sucked in by the allure of money, eventually growing into one of those obnoxious girls who only talks money and pricey things, even with friends.

Before our friendship faded, she did say one thing I will never forget: she told me that if she could start it all over again, she would rather be in my shoes, still a virgin. I've never been so stunned. I imagine, in a way, she believes her decisions have created a kind of prison, where, in her mind, she has no choice but to carry on as her, there is no going back, there is no changing paths.

To me, if you see what you've become and want to change, you will, otherwise you are who you want to be. Dina is who she wants to be. So, while Dina sits married to a man she thought had money, I remain alone, waiting for the real thing...and I wouldn't have it any other way.


  1. Answer is simple: No love w/sex means one would be equal to a prostitute/ just an orifice for a a bit crude but the truth, eh??? lol

  2. I waited until I was married (I think I've told you that before)-and I'm glad I did. For me at least it was such (and still is, sorry tmi) such an emotional connection. So I really think love has to be there. And I'm very proud of you for waiting for that love before you do the deed. :)

  3. I'm gonna play both sides of the fence here.

    Some, both men and women, want just the mechanics of sex. Others want the emotional connection and an actual realtionship that can sustain the sex. Both are fine, as long as both players are telling the truth in what they want.

    But for a first time, you need love. You need to have something more than just a one night memory. No one wants to (god forbid) go alone to the doctors to have something checked out, or have an 18 year reminder of the night that shouldn't have been. And FYI, for most women, it gets better with time. The first time can involve ackward positions and often pain. Seems no one should have to experience that with a partner who won't be there in the morning. Sorry if that's TMI -J

  4. This is kind of unrelated but AWESOME.

    A guy I dated for a while and refused to go that far with broke up with me around Christmas when I was 19. But I'm one of those people who makes a decision to love after the fluttery feelings aren't there anymore, so I loved him despite the many red flags that should have made me run screaming.

    On New Year's Eve the year after we broke up, he got drunk and hooked up with (translation: lost his virginity to) a random girl at a party he'd never met. He got syphilis, and his lady lover never spoke to him again.

    I enjoyed the whole thing entirely more than a kind person should. Karma's a bitch.

  5. I think to say sex without love is equal to a prostitute is a bit much, Kalei's Best Friend. Thats a really judgemental comment and very harsh!

    I think yes, you should have an emotional connection to the person you choose to have sex with. That is me though. I know people that have slept with someone upon first meeting them (sometimes even leading to a lasting relationship).

    I don't judge others choices and kudos to you (Frisky) for sticking to what you believe in!

  6. you may not necessarily need it, but it makes the sex actually good, and who wants bad sex! NOT ME